Ingredients
6 bikinis
4 pairs of shorts
4 tees
Boots
Big! Big! Big! Did I say Big? Sunglasses
iPod
Red lipstick
Laptop
One turtleneck
One hoodie
Razor
Carton of cigarettes
8 lighters
Room deodorant spray and Odomos (mandatory if traveling on an Indian aircraft)
Method
Throweverything in the bag and head to the airport just on time to catchyour
flight to fantastically cheap Thailand. Cover body from head totoe to avoid
unnecessary searches and stares. Stash lighters indifferent places to avoid
losing all of them to the airport security. Smile at everyone and make small
talk in Hindi.
The Story
Step One
Igot to the airport right on time to catch my flight to Bangkok. Yup, Icovered
myself from freakin head to toe to avoid unnecessary searchesand stares.
"Madam Bipasha Basu haircut?" they still said pointing tome and my bestest
friend Yogi, both of us sporting the trendy cut, hersin black and mine, in
bright red. "Yes yes…." Smiled both of uscursing them under our breath.
Step Two
Stopped at the caf and inhaled 80 cigarettes before heading to the much dreaded
security check.
Step Three
Whilewaiting at the security check, we were pushed to the side rudely by
sixsari clad older women with severely colored hair on their heads and acarpet
on their arms and masses of what people politely call 'lovehandles' hanging on
each side of the would be stomach. Out of respectfor the elderly, we didn't
put up a fight and let them go ahead.
Step Four
Weboarded the aircraft along with an army of a few hundred mosquitoes andan
aroma of freshly cooked body odour. Got comfortable in ouruncomfortable
non-reclining seats and noticed the elderly ladies givingairline safety
measures. "What!" We decided to call them "dadima"with love of course. "I
think this airplane should have a buffetsystem because I think Dadima will get
tired of serving so manypeople," said Yogi cracking me up for ten minutes and
keeping my mindoff the blood suckling mosquitoes nestled in my arm. "Where the
heckis the damn racket when you need it man?" The hairy love handles kepton
caressing the people sitting in the aisles while enjoying their freewhiskys
served in dirty plastic glasses.
Step Five
Someoneonce said, "Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found
notin finishing an activity but in doing it." Idiot!
Step Six
"Pleasedo not use the call button, it is meant only for emergency,"
announcedDadima every ten minutes on the speaker system. So the
passengersstarted using the good ole Indian call signal instead "Chu chu"
makingthe two foreigners in the aircraft very confused. "SShhhu CChhhu"echoed
along with the 'buzzzzzzzzzing' mosquitoes.
Step Seven
Myfriend Yogi actually had the nerve to press the button to request for achai.
We got it after an hour. A vending machine would've been a goodidea. We sipped
on our teas and passed out for the remaining of theflight.
Finale
I woke up with spiltchai on my breasts and a broken back. We had landed with
the tray openand no seatbelts. Dadima had not bothered to pick up the empty
whisky/ coffee glasses. Fantastic.
We hobbled out with our stainedbreasts to find many with similar stains.
Should've added stainremover to my list of things to carry. Damn it.
They stoodat the door with disheveled hair and waved goodbye. We wanted to
touchtheir feet outta respect of course but our broken backs kept us fromdoing
so. We smiled and cursed them under our breath.
Someonesmart said, "The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weightbecause
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends."
I say "Please don't feel it necessary to introduce us to your friends."
Solution
"Whycan't we build orphanages next to homes for the elderly? If someonewere
sitting in a rocker, it wouldn't be long before a kid will be inhis lap"
Rock on!
Sapna Bhavnani runs a salon, Mad-o-Wot in Bandra
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