I was having a parallel dialogue with Lisa Heft about my first open space experience in Turkey and she offered some wisdom that I would like to share with you through our dialogue Lisa saw the real reason of my frustration and urged me to share this with the list Although Lisas message explains is quite well, what I wanted to offer to the center is that my desperation at some moments was about the lack of respect, not being able to listen to each other and concentrate on being together it wasnt so much about the lack of action at the end and in fact there was action! :-) Of course, the story is told through my filters, expectations and perception thank you dear Lisa and thank you all who responded my plea and also held space for me I know that I need to be reminded of the wonderful principles of OS every once in a while f i l i z approach love and cooking with reckless abundance! <http://www.barakam.blogspot.com/> www.barakam.blogspot.com <http://www.bugday.org/> www.bugday.org _____
Kimden: Lisa Heft [mailto:lisah...@openingspace.net] Tarih: Monday, March 06, 2006 19:15 Kime: 'Filiz Telek'; 'Maria Scordialos'; 'Sarah Whiteley'; 'Toke Paludan M ø ller'; 'Tim Merry'; ch...@chriscorrigan.com; ju...@accesswave.ca Bilgi: 'Funda Oral' Konu: RE: opening space to save the ferries Hi, dear fabulous Filiz It seems that this is really the difference not the action items (as Im hearing on the OSLIST and in our exchanges here that there was energy around some actions etc.) Im hearing another thing here than what you are sharing on the OSLIST your frustration with people not listening, with feeling they are disrespectful (to each other perhaps and to whomevers got the floor and is talking at the time, including you), people complaining, and so on. As a pattern (not just related to the ferries event). I am hearing people on OSLIST counsel you about letting go attachment to outcome for this particular event, as did I but I am hearing also that you know that and are present with that what you are really feeling is irritation that doesnt feel to me like Law of Two Feet stuff but what you see as ongoing disrespectful interchange (non-verbal and verbal). Yes? If so, you might want to share *that* aspect of your observations with the OSLIST folks. That would really make me crazy. I mean, Im pretty good a breathing through my own attachments (I can still feel them and honor them but breathing through them helps me not engage about them and believe the groups taking care of their needs and so on). But its hard for me when I perceive people are just being babies with each other and disrespecting each other or me. I know enough to hang in there and deal with those feelings post-event, but still its hard. And if I were experiencing that as an overall flavor of a series of events I was facilitating or other experiences I continuously have in communities and organizations, as I hear you are experiencing, it would really make me question my work with that community and my interest in continuing to engage in that community. Id question if its my projection or if they are just all being babies anyway. Id question whether it is gender or age disrespect, though I have to really be banged on the head with that one to assume it I would refuse to automatically assume it or buy into it. Ultimately, Id wonder if I needed to fight that battle and whether Id need to go where I felt safe and respected (such as working more with youth or women or wherever I felt safer). Instead of waiting for society to change, I might say gee you know I am tired of waiting for you to be respectful, tired of soaking up all that negative energy, and Ill now go where my energies are more appreciated. I might have to go work where I can most thrive. This has not happened to me as a facilitator, so I am imagining what I might feel. But it HAS happened to me as an individual in a minority. As an individual in a minority (culture, whether people can tell that by looking at me or not), I know how sometimes you want to fight the battles / be the model for change / be the teacher / speak out and sometimes you just say I am tired of always being in this role you teach your own darn selves I am tired and youre going to have to learn it for yourselves!. I know how hard it can be and how you have to step in and out of that community/role/environment to stay healthy, and only go back into it / the fight when you feel replenished and ready again. So I dont know if this is how you are feeling as a woman or a younger person or whatever in your community /society, but I just offer it as a possibility / question to you. As this aspect has not been discussed about your story on the OSLIST, feel free to copy my email to the list if you want to engage that community in this aspect of the conversation. Feel free not to. You know me whatever you like. Looking forward to your thoughts, Lisa -----Original Message----- From: Filiz Telek [mailto:fi...@bugday.org] Sent: Sunday, March 05, 2006 11:48 PM To: lisah...@openingspace.net; 'Maria Scordialos'; 'Sarah Whiteley'; 'Toke Paludan M ø ller'; 'Tim Merry'; ch...@chriscorrigan.com; ju...@accesswave.ca Cc: 'Funda Oral' Subject: YNT: opening space to save the ferries Dear Lisa Lots of invaluable thoughts, thank you reading your words made certain things more clear to me Was I attached to outcome? Yes I was. I wanted it to be a successful meeting in my terms; I had expectations of course What frustrates me is not that the group did not come up with enough actions, or with particular actions I was hoping they would come up with. In fact, as Funda says, there were outcomes, the group produced something. What frustrates me is that people do not listen to each other. People dont respect each other. People are not able to follow simplest instructions. I felt like I was working with 5 year olds. I suspect it might have been easier with the kids. How difficult is it to listen and not to leave the room when someone is talking in the circle? I have been dealing with this since I moved here, people do not listen. A participant today was suggesting that we add a new principle to OS which is people will do whatever they want to do anyway Does that give you an idea? So then what am I doing there inviting them to a certain process if they will wonder off as they please only to complain at the end, oh what kind of useless meeting was that? I really feel desperate in those moments when everyone just wants to hear their own voice and do what they think is right to do HOW am I supposed to facilitate then? I dont know. Because whatever I suggest, majority doesnt listen anyway. Is it best just to walk away then? As you can imagine this isnt only about today. This has been my experience in any group I found myself in the last two months and I already feel tired. No one says its going to be easy in the beginning, but at this point I dont see how I work in these conditions preserving my wellbeing. I am yet to figure that out Thank you for your support, and I too think we are amazing! :-) f i l i z * * ========================================================== osl...@listserv.boisestate.edu ------------------------------ To subscribe, unsubscribe, change your options, view the archives of osl...@listserv.boisestate.edu: http://listserv.boisestate.edu/archives/oslist.html To learn about OpenSpaceEmailLists and OSLIST FAQs: http://www.openspaceworld.org/oslist