Sonia, Your story had me crying, but I could not stop reading. Thankyou for sharing with us. I believe I have learnt a few things from you for my life as both a mother & a midwife. Thankyou again & god bless your family.
Tina H. (Brisbane). ----- Original Message ----- From: "*G and S*" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Tuesday, October 14, 2003 11:14 PM Subject: [ozmidwifery] Nathaniel's birth story...Warning Long. > NATHANIEL'S BIRTH > > > Nine short months have passed since Nathaniel's birth. He is a sweet-natured > baby, very placid and incredibly patient. Just like his father. There is no > hint in his nature of his traumatic birth. > > As we are natural family planners, and my cycle was very predictable, I knew > at only three weeks that I needed a pregnancy test. My husband (Gh) and I > were overjoyed when that faint pink line appeared on the test. This would be > our fifth child; two in nappies and all under ten. I began to brace myself > for another long sojourn through pregnancy. My due date was 7th January, > 2003. > > At sixteen weeks, I took those first few official pregnancy steps and > visited an obstetrician recommended by a couple of close friends. They did > tell me that he was a little 'laid back', but all the same, they thought he > would suit me. > > Boy were they wrong! Yes, he was very pleasant and relaxed. He, however, > required me to strip down to nothing for the initial examination. I clutched > anxiously at my bra hoping to keep some semblance of dignity but alas that > was to go with the rest of my attire. Some women might feel fine about this > form of 'thoroughness', but for me, having nursed people and respected their > vulnerability, I was not at all impressed. So, after consulting a midwife > friend, I transferred to another obstetrician (Pob). He seemed just fine. > > Apart from my routine discomforts and sleeplessness, my pregnancy had > coasted along nicely. There was no sign of the blood pressure problems I > had in previous pregnancies. I recall more than once saying to Pob 'There's > got to be a catch'. And there was. > > At thirty-eight weeks, Pob remarked that I was carrying high, as usual. But > he seemed to stop and rethink. A quick ultrasound confirmed that my baby was > breech. I knew immediately that this would mean my first caesarian section. > I cried from shock, from fear and anxiety. Pob meanwhile found the necessary > paperwork. I filled out the forms and even went straight to the > anaesthetists' rooms, all the while in a state of disbelief. I had not > counted on major abdominal surgery being a part of my baby's birth. > > The c.section was booked for the end of that week. I went into hospital the > evening before, as I was quite anxious. I knew that a caesarian section > wasn't to be undertaken light-heartedly and it pains me now to hear of women > requesting this proceedure for convenience or to avoid the pain of birthing. > > That night, a final ultrasound estimated my baby's weight (wrongly as it > turned out) at 11 lbs 1 oz. And of course he had turned! After some > discussion with Pob, we decided to go ahead with the c.section as planned, > because of the unstable lie factor. The alternative was to wait a week or > more in hospital. > > The next morning I woke at 6.30 and was promptly seen by a rather > bleary-eyed anaesthetist. Pob came in soon after and felt my abdomen. He now > thought that baby was transverse. I was becoming more and more uptight by > the minute. Gh was with me the whole time and was quietly reassuring. > > Down in theatre I was pleased to meet the assisting doctor, who was a > semi-retired obstetrician. His name was always mentioned with great > reverence and affection. I felt some comfort knowing he was there but I > still had a great sense of unease. > > As the spinal anaesthetic was administered, I was able to look out a window. > I remember seeing a woman walking her dog over vacant land. I longed to > change places with that woman. I was soon brought back to reality when my > blood pressure suddenly went up. It was brought down with some > pharmaceutical intervention and I immediately vomited. > > Gh arrived soon after, dressed in his glamorous theatre gear, and was seated > beside me. The procedure began. You make me feel like a natural woman (ha > ha) was playing in the background. Pob was telling us what he was doing step > by step. Suddenly there was nothing. No music, talking - nothing. The only > thing I remember was the occasional mumble from the obstetricians. I really > have no idea how long it was until my baby was born. > > They didn't give me my baby right away. A pediatrician whisked him aside. > Pob popped his head over the still-raised screen to explain what had > happened. Apparently as he cut transversely through the wall of my uterus, > he had severed an unseen venous sinus. It was about the size of two thumbs > put together. > > I had suddenly started to haemorrhage. The older obstetrician assisting > later told me that in all his years of practice, he had never seen so much > blood. > In order to stop the bleeding, he had to make another incision to get my > baby out quickly. This second attempt failed, so the only option was a > vertical, or classic cut. Pob was then cutting blind due to the large > volume of blood I was losing. He went on to explain that on the second > attempt, he had actually cut my baby. > > My beautiful Nathaniel was born on 3/1/2003 and in pain. He sustained a 12 > cm laceration across his lower back, as he was in breech position at > delivery. He would need surgery that afternoon to suture the wound. His > respirations were slow after birth ( apgar scores were 5 and 7), so he > needed oxygen for several hours. He weighed 9lb 5 oz. > > So much information was hurled at me in a very short time. First, I was told > of the haemorrhage and my babe's laceration. Then Pob told me about the > vertical incision. This meant no more vaginal births. Next I was told that > Nathaniel might need to be sent to a city hospital a couple of hours away > for his surgery. He would need a general anaesthetic and we would be > separated. All this information was given while I was still in theatre. I > remember feeling confused, dazed and just wanting my son to be OK. > > I was soon able to hold him for the shortest time. After some quick photos, > they took him away from me again. I didn't get to breastfeed him in recovery > as planned, and he didn't get his first bath for another six weeks. A lot of > joy was taken from me. I don't blame anyone. It's just that it didn't seem > the same as my other babies' births, no matter how difficult or frightening > they were. Gh was quiet and detached. It was his way of coping, and I > understood that. But even now I feel guilt that we didn't feel elated as > little Nathaniel entered the world. We did with our other babies. For him > there was only shock and concern. > > Pob spoke with us in recovery; he seemed genuinely upset and worried. He > apologised, and it was easy to forgive. I told him it wasn't his fault. And > I still hold to that. > > After spending an eternity in recovery, unbearably itchy and with > uncontrollable shaking, I was wheeled back to the ward and shown Nathaniel > in the Special Care Unit. I have been asked by some to try and explain how I > felt at this time. But how does a mother describe her feelings at such a > moment? Perhaps 'devastated','helpless' or 'shocked' would convey something > of my pain, but in truth these words seem hollow and inadequate. > I was a mess. > > Surgery was planned for the afternoon, and as it meant the risk of a general > anaesthetic, Gh and I decided to have Nathaniel baptized. This was a big > decision. Usually our baptisms involve a whole day's celebration with many > friends and family. Nathaniel's rite took place in the Special Care Unit > with only a nurse present. I was in bed recovering and Gh was dealing with > four children at home. Just another joy that was taken from us. > > As it turned out, Nathaniel needed only a caudal anaesthetic, for which I > will always be grateful. He went to theatre five hours after birth. I'm a > little vague on details - everything seemed so surreal at the time. There > were moments when I had forgotten that I'd even had my baby. Yet another > issue to feel guilty about. > > I didn't get to see him until late in the evening but I was allowed to > breast feed then. One wonderful blessing was that I had plenty of milk for > my new arrival. I had been comfort-feeding my two year old right through the > pregnancy (despite my protests and threats to wean him), so my milk supply > was fine, and Nathaniel didn't have to feel the pain of hunger. > > Pob came to see me several times that first day. Each time he updated me on > Nathaniel's progress. He didn't disappear and let others cover for him. He > was diligent in his care. I'll always remember his final visit that day. The > worry and devastation that he was feeling was very evident, and in a strange > way, it helped me to cope better. I knew that someone else was suffering > too. > > I'm also grateful to the wonderful midwives who cared for me. One in > particular (Dmw) showed great concern for Nathaniel and me. She was there > for his surgery, dressed his wound and encouraged me to cope. And there were > days when this was a real challenge! I owe her so much. We have stayed in > contact and I have promised to keep her up-to-date with Nathaniel's > development. > > Nathaniel and I were in hospital for fourteen days. His wound broke down on > day three. It had gone from being nice and clean to green and sloughy. It > had to be packed twice a day as it was gaping on the right hand side. His > skin also developed a rather nasty reaction to any tape that would offer aid > in his wound's healing process. As a day three mum, everything seemed to be > going from bad to worse. > > I refused to look at the actual wound for the first week and a half as it > was too much to cope with. Dmw patiently and quite determinedly waited for > me to pull myself together. I did, but it took time. > For as long as Nathaniel was wrapped up and not crying I could forget that I > had an injured baby. > > There were also times when I was frightened of my new babe. How should I > carry him? Would he hurt if I held him like I did my other newborns? When he > cried was it hunger or pain? Which was the best feeding position? What was > comfortable for me may not have been for him. Should he lie on his tummy for > so long? What about that as a risk factor for SIDS? There was so much to > worry about and so soon after my own surgery. > > Day nine came and I started bleeding quite heavily. I thank God that I was > still in hospital. I had another ultrasound, then went on antibiotics as > did Nathaniel, for his infection. Issues regarding his weight loss were > pressing as well. He had lost nearly 700gms as all his energy was being > poured into healing. Luckily, my abundant supply of milk was the life-line > so we were discharged on day fourteen. > > It was with some angst that I took over his dressings at home. > And it wasn't until my mother fell apart at the sight of his wound that I > really pulled myself together and got on with the task at hand. Nathaniel > needed care and there was no point in everyone around him dissolving into > tears. > > Pob also offered to have his staff dress Nathaniel's wound every other day. > This was a relief for me as I didn't want to take sole responsibility for > his wound. I felt that I would never forgive myself if something else were > to happen to him. > > It took six weeks for Nathaniel's wound to heal. > He is now feeding well and putting on weight. He often smiles and laughs. > > I think it is only now that my husband is starting to sort out how he feels > about the whole situation. I felt so sorry for him at the time. He was > dealing with four very lively kids at home, an unstable job situation with > all its politics, an elderly mother, an unwell wife and a new babe with an > injury. Something or someone had to give, and I understand that. > > Quite a few people have asked me if I regret having a c.section. With some > thought I have to say no. There are no guarantees in life and at the time, > it seemed to be the safest option. I now know that the chance of both the > bleeding and the laceration happening together was greater then one in a > million. > > I do however sometimes wonder if I had the c.section unnecessarily. I was > after all only 38 weeks and I was still carrying high. > Given a week or two or three could Nathaniel have turned? Shoulda, woulda, > coulda........ hindsight can be torturous. > > There is also another unfortunate aspect to this whole story that will never > go away for me. Because of the inverted T incision made into my uterus and > because of the threat of another significant bleed, I have been told now by > two doctors that I cannot have any more children. Some people may say > "Well, you've already got 5", but to me this is devastating. > > I love my children; each and everyone of them and I was quite prepared to > welcome another should God wish it. I never, never thought that I would > have my fertility taken away from me so quickly, so suddenly. I am now > savouring each precious moment I have with my baby Nathaniel and in turn I > mourn each passing laugh, each midnight feed as I know that these times will > soon end. > > But, after all is said and done, I have my baby boy and he only has a scar > as a legacy of his trauma. > It could have been so much worse. > I know I could have chosen to find fault, but it is somehow easier to > forgive and understand. > > I am grateful to my doctor for his support, to my husband, my wonderful > friends and family and to God in whom I will always have unwavering faith. > > Thank you for sharing my journey. > SAS. > > The Weaver > > My life is but a weaving > Between my Lord and me, > I can not choose the colours; > He worketh steadily. > > Oft times He weaveth sorrow, > And I in foolish pride > Forget He sees the upper, > and I, the underside. > > Not 'til the loom is silent > And the shuttles cease to fly > Shall God unroll the canvas > And explain the reason why. > > The dark threads are as needful > In the Weaver's skilful hand > As the threads of gold and silver > In the pattern He has planned. > > Author unknown > > > > -- This mailing list is sponsored by ACE Graphics. 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