(preceded by email 'OT - Paints With Light part 1)
Syd: Hello Hilary. Hilary: No! Sydney, dear boy! It's such a long time since you've been around to see me, you're a naughty boy! Syd: Yeah. Well, I'm sorry Hilary. You know how it is. Lot's of work - Hilary: I know how terribly tedious it has been. I know I'm the same. Absolutely months since I've seen the Albert Hall. Syd: Yeah, and me. Tony: (to Syd) He's talking about music, not all-in wrestling. Syd: Yeah, well. Look Hilary, I've got a customer here for you. Hilary: (eyeing Hancock) Rather perculiar friends you have Sydney. Most quaint. Syd: Yeah, well, don't start a punch-up Hilary. I want you to take some snaps. Hilary: Snaps, Sydney?? I don't take snaps! I paint with light! Tony: (mocking in a high-pitched voice) Oh swipe me, he paints with light! (pause - aside to Syd) Paints with light. Hilary: I don't think I like your friend Sydney. I wish I hadn't snapped, I mean Photographed him. I think I should open the camera and let the light in! Syd: Now calm down Hilary. All we want is a set of publicity photos. I want you to get the best out of him. Hilary: Oh, let's have a look then. (to Hancock) I say, you. Stand under my arc lights. Hmm. Turn around. Ugh! Heavens. I'm going to have to use a lot of shadow. There's sort of a lot to hide, isn't there! Tony: I will slosh him Syd. So help me, I will slosh him. One more remark and I'll wrap that enlarger around his neck! Haven't been insulted like this since I went to the Turkish baths. Syd: Alright Hilary, take no notice. Just do the best you can, boy. Hilary: Oh, let's see now. (to Hancock) Undo your shirt to the waist. Tony: Oh dear. Hilary: Oh. Oh what a pity, no hairs on the chest. Never mind, I can scratch some in on the negative. Tony: You are not scratching any hairs in on my negative. I'm not the hairy type. I'm more the smooth-skin 'Lex Barker' type. Syd: If Hilary says you're gonna have hairs, you're gonna have hairs! He knows what's best. Hilary: I say. What sort of legs have you got? Tony: Don't you think you're going a bit too far, my man? My legs are *my* business! Syd: Shaddup Hancock. Hilary must have a good reason for asking. Hilary: Well yes. I thought perhaps a beach-combing outfit might look rather attractive. Syd: You see that Hancock? A beach-comber. A wondering nomad. A scavanger. He's got your character already! Hilary: I know, a straw hat, the shirt open to the waist and tied in a knot, trousers cut, very raggedly, just below the knees, standing barefoot in the sand, palm trees waving in the background... Tony: I know. Looking inside oysters for bars of coconut chocolate. No thank you! Syd: He's right, Hancock. He's right. It's very 'you'. Hilary: Oh yes. It's the only one. He'll look delicious! Rip his trousers at the knees! Syd: Come here. Tony: No! Syd! Please no! Syd: Come here! (ripping fabric) Tony: No! Syd! Stop it! Syd: There they are. Tony: Well well. So much for me clerical grey drainpipes. I had these especially tailored! This is 24 and 6 off your bill for a start! Hilary: 24 and 6? Tony: Yes, mate! 24 and 6. I don't buy rubbish you know! Hilary: Aren't your legs white! (more ripping sounds) Tony: One pair of long underwear. 12 and 6. Hilary: Yah. Well, that's better. So those are your legs? Tony: Yes, *these* are my legs. If you don't take that smirk off your face, you'll be on the end of one of them in a minute. Hilary: Well, let's face it. They are rather odd, aren't they! Tony: What's odd about them? I've got one on this side and one on that side, haven't I? What more do you want? Hilary: No, I'm sorry, I don't think the legs ought to be in. Tony: Pardon? After slashing my trousers about? How dare you! My legs are out, I'm out. Syd: Aw, you better keep the legs in, Hilary. Have him standing in water up to his knees. That'll do it. Hilary: Up to his straw hat I think would be better. It's going to be very difficult, Sydney. I don't think there are three inches of him in proportion. Syd: Aw, surely you can do something with him, boy? Look me old boy, this is very important, son. Hilary: Alright, I'll do it for you, Sydney. (short pause during which Hilary trips the shutter) Right. I've taken it. Tony: I haven't posed yet! Hilary: It doesn't matter. All the hard work's to come now with the things I've got to do to this negative. I'll be up all night. Syd: Right you are. Come on, Hancock. Let's leave him alone to get on with it. Tony: You call a taxi. I refuse to walk through the streets of London with me legs poking out. Hilary: I'll send the prints around tomorrow. Tony: That's very quick! Hilary: Well I don't want them in here any longer than I can help it. Syd: Well, ta ta Hilary, thanks a lot. I'll send you a cheque tomorrow. (to Hancock) Say ta ta to Hilary. Tony: No. Syd: Say ta ta to Hilary. Tony: No. I don't like him. he said rotten things about my legs. Come Sydney, we were away. (Sydney and Tony exit, short pause, door opens again) Tony: Can I have my shoes and socks please. [The next day at Tony Hancock's office] Hattie: Mr. Hancock, they've arrived! Tony: What have? Hattie: Your new photographs! (opens envelope, examines photos) Oh! What a difference! They're beautiful! Oh! Wallaby Jim of the island! Tony: Show me! Oh dear, oh dear. My goodness, is this me? Yes, of course it. I recognise the shirt. he's done a good job, I'll give him that. This is the most handsome and fascinating man I've ever seen! Hattie: Remarkable what he has done! It's only because your name's on the bottom that I realised it was you! Bill: But what's he done to your ears? Why aren't they sticking out? Tony: They don't stick out that much, anyway. Bill: They do when there's a wind behind you. Tony: Only a strong wind. Hattie: Well, I think it's lovely. All the women will fall for you when they see it. That big chest. The slim waist. The fine, sturdy, muscular legs. That noble face. That *wonderful* hair on your chest. Oh! It's the sort of man I've been dreaming about for *years*. Tony: (to Bill) Hello, we shall have to watch her. Put a drop of bromide in her tea. Bill: Pop, what's he done with the wrinkles? Tony: Why don't you shut up and just accept what's in the photograph? Bill: I can't. You haven't got a big chest and a slim waist. You've got a slim chest and a big waist. Tony: Alright, so he's moved it up a bit. That's photographic license. Bill: Yeah, but how's he doing it? Tony: How should I know how he did it? Probably cut the negative under me chin and above me legs and turned it upside down. Bill: How did he straighten the nose out? Tony: I don't know how he straightened the nose out, but if you don't watch it, somebody's going to have to do the same thing for you. I think the photo's a very good likeness. I'm particularly impressed with the way he's captured the beauty of my legs. Ha! He didn't think they were photogenic at the time. In fact he was quite nasty about it. But he's done well, they've turned out very smooth. Bill: Do you notice the insides of them are straight? Tony: (looking harder) what about it? Bill: You know what I think? Tony: What? Bill: He's taken one, split it down the middle and moved it over. Tony: He has not! He - (the truth dawning) he has, you know. You're dead right, he has! Look! I've only got two and a half toes on each foot! Still, that doesn't matter. We can always say the rest of them are buried in the sand... -- PDML Pentax-Discuss Mail List PDML@pdml.net http://pdml.net/mailman/listinfo/pdml_pdml.net to UNSUBSCRIBE from the PDML, please visit the link directly above and follow the directions.
