Beer and present danger
The president's State of the Union address might go down a little
easier if you mix it with a few drinks.
By Heather Havrilesky
HEATHER HAVRILESKY is a television critic for Salon.com.
January 31, 2006
DESPITE THE HYPE, tonight's State of the Union address is certain to
disappoint. Sure, President Bush will do his best to work us into a
frenzy, as he did in his most recent televised address, with his talk
of a vast cabal of brutal forces afoot, "unconstrained by
conscience," opposed to "our deepest values," determined to view the
world as a "giant battlefield."
But even as he spoke of this very exciting giant battlefield, the
president just sat there at his desk, staring blankly into the
TelePrompTer. Is that any way to build suspense? Why weren't there
flames shooting into the sky on either side of his head? Why didn't
the camera crew get some extreme close-ups with a shaky, hand-held
camera? Did Karl Rove forget to cue the nerve-jangling, clock-ticking
sound from "24"?
Because Bush refuses to take any tips from the Great and Powerful
Oz's playbook, the only way to pump up the shock and awe is by
playing a drinking game that's custom-made for the State of the Union
address. (Kids, don't try this at home. Adults, don't try this
anywhere else but home.)
The game is simple enough for even your average registered voter to
understand. Basically, every time Bush says "terror," "terrorism,"
"terrorist," "war on terror" or "Terror Dome," you drink.
Also drink when the president winks, nods and points at someone in
the audience in rapid succession; drink each time he refers to 9/11
or uses the word "nuke-u-lar," and drink something bitter when he
says that "the state of our union is strong."
Whenever there's a close-up of a sour-faced Democrat, drink. If it's
Hilary Clinton, Ted Kennedy or Harry Reid, drink twice.
When Bush says "protect" as in "protect America," "protect the lives
of Americans" or "protect our right to eavesdrop on the phone calls
of any American," drink. If he refers to his solemn right to spy on
antiwar activists as the "Terrorist Surveillance Program," drink
three times.
Also, drink whenever the president uses the word "security," as in
the "security of all Americans" or "a secure nation." If he mentions
"Social Security," turn the volume up; you didn't hear him correctly.
If he talks about "securing an exit strategy in Iraq," drink, then
look outside to see if the sky is falling.
When the president alludes to "tax reform," "tax credits" or "tax
relief," give a big shout-out to the federal budget deficit — then
drink.
Drink each time the president begins a charming anecdote about some
folks from a small red-state town; drink twice when the camera cuts
to said folks. If the president reports that his chat with these fine
people made it clear to him that the administration's current course
is the proper one, drink half a beer, then tell the person sitting
next to you that it's clear to you that your current course toward
inebriation is the proper one as well.
Every time the president smiles or chuckles when he's talking about
something scary and awful, like giant battlegrounds and forces of
evil, smile and chuckle along with him — Haw haw haw! — then kick
your dog.
Drink each time the president mentions "free elections" in Iraq, or
suggests that the Iraqi elections are a sure sign that democracy and
freedom are spreading across the globe. Drink when the president
mentions "free elections" in the West Bank, and if he suggests that
the Palestinian elections are a sure sign that democracy and freedom
are spreading across the globe, finish your beer, throw the bottle at
the wall and yell, "Praise Allah!"
By the end of the president's speech, I personally guarantee that not
only will you experience all the nail-biting anticipation and
excitement that you crave, you'll also feel a hell of a lot better
about the state of this country — that is, if you're still conscious.
Just don't try to walk, talk, parent small children, drive or operate
heavy machinery. In fact, this game is almost guaranteed to kill you
— at least until January of 2009.
