[image: CAP News]
   Justin Bieber Saves Little Kitten Stuck In Tree
[image: Justin Bieber Saves Little Kitten Stuck In Tree]

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Pop sensation Justin Bieber is being credited with a
selfless act of heroism today after rescuing a small kitten from a tree
near his Calabasas home and then giving it some milk after the two were
safely back on the ground.

"He even warmed up the milk, too," said first responder Debbie Galanski.
"The blatant disregard for his own safety is really what separates
celebrities from the rest of us."

Witnesses said Bieber was able to climb onto a branch of the tree through a
second-floor window in his house. He then tried to get down by way of his
neighbor's roof, but the roof was covered in egg and too slippery to
traverse, so he climbed back in his bedroom window.
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"Yo, I totally saved that cat so he still has all 9 lives lol," Bieber
tweeted seconds after he set foot back in his room. "I'm so high tho I
thought I was saving Selena lol."

Fans and critics alike have come out in support of the young star's courage
in such treacherous circumstances and most agree that this one noble act
completely wipes the slate clean and helps the singer return to those carefree
days of six months ago <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201307004>.

"He should get some sort of citizenship award or something - like a nice
certificate or a Cross pen," said 42-year-old Adam Halloran. "Has Celine
Dion ever saved an American cat? How about Carly Rae Jepsen?

"Kid wants to piss in a bucket, let him piss in a bucket," Halloran added.
"He saved one of our cats."

Police in Miami are considering dropping all charges against Bieber in
light of the recent events, noting that he really wasn't "all that drunk"
when he was caught street racing in a residential area of Miami Beach.

"Seriously, what was he doing - 60 miles an hour?" said a Miami-Dade
spokesperson. "Kids on Big Wheels drag race faster than that. He saved a
cat, for crying out loud."

Bieber has announced that he will save a new cat every Monday for 10 weeks
as he leads up to the release of his new children's book, *Justin Bieber
Saves A Cat*.
IN OTHER NEWS

Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in
every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few
beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the
new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow."

Chinese TV officials are reportedly thrilled to bring "hot lesbian action"
to their people when that country begins airing The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
"America love lesbians, so China need to see what fuss is all about," said
a spokesperson. "If this work, next maybe we try show with black person."

A new study recommends that people receiving bad news do so while standing
up to increase their chances of survival. "We always make someone sit down
before delivering bad news," said one researcher. "But since sitting is bad
for your heart, that combination could just kill you on the spot."
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[image: Fake Advertisement]
CAP NEWS AUDIO
Calvin Klein Denial <http://www.cap-news.com/audio.php?id=227>
 [image: Calvin Klein Denial] <http://www.cap-news.com/audio.php?id=227>
It's the only real fragrance for those who have their own reality. You may
be up to your eyeballs in crap, but need not smell the part. Buy it now at
Macy's.
   CAUGHT ON FILM
[image: @AntoninScalia #PlightOfTheWigger]
Wiggers descend on Washington to show support for their fellow wigger as
the Supreme Court takes up civil rights for wiggers.
 FROM THE VAULT
 [image: Terror Tape Spawns A Leading Man]
<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200701021>
January 26, 2007

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