Beginner's guide to chainsaws
http://www.newsandtribune.com/opinion/local_story_221010806.html?keyword=sec
ondarystory
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The political debate about gun control and waiting periods to buy a
handgun should shift to chainsaws. I think whenever a city-boy type
wants to purchase a chainsaw, there should be a waiting period for a
background check. Past experience with power tools should be scrutinized.
There should be a mandatory chainsaw class down at the Home Depot
required in order to obtain a chainsaw license, and I should have to
apprentice for about three months with a country-born local chainsaw
expert with an appropriate name like Stubby or Lefty.
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Beginner's guide to chainsaws
By LINDON DODD
Local Columnist
A very large tree has fallen in our yard after a recent storm. It was a tree
that had been damaged by Hurricane Ike last year, and I knew it was just a
matter of time. The tree is probably 50 feet long. I now will have a new
hobby for the next couple of weekends. It will involve a chainsaw.
When you live out in the tree-lined countryside where I reside, a chainsaw
is simply a necessary accessory. In my neighborhood, it is a rite of passage
or a mandatory talent to be able to chainsaw a tree. However, I was not born
and raised here, so I was what we call a late bloomer in the art of wielding
a chainsaw.
Longtime column readers are aware of my prowess - lack of the same in
matters relating to things mechanical, maintenance-oriented tasks and almost
anything resembling an outdoor manly undertaking.
One of my lifelong, closely held philosophies was to get a college education
so I would never have to starve because of having to use my hands to make a
living. Think of a cross between the steady hands of a Don Knotts and the
mechanical intelligence of Jethro Bodine using a chainsaw and my ineptness
should be abundantly clear.
Not unlike most men who think we can do anything regardless of lack of
training or aptitude, I have upon occasion used a chainsaw over the last
year. It's a basic 18-inch chain somewhat beginner model.
I recently even briefly considered moving up to the larger lumberjack-sized
chainsaw - which I understand is capable of severing a man's leg in two in
roughly half the time of an 18-incher - but reconsidered. I simply had my
smaller one repaired. So now I am again using my undersized chainsaw for
lumberjack-sized trees.
There are some statements that are never heard when using a chainsaw.
"Honey, I had an accident with the chainsaw. Can you bring me some iodine
and a Band-Aid?"
Chainsaw accidents are like skydiving mishaps - while not all that common
usually rather serious in scope.
Last year, I read a story where a wife was assisting her husband in a
chainsaw job around their yard and somehow he tragically cut her neck and
she died. That makes my sledgehammer-swinging accident, when my wife was
holding a fence post, seem rather minor in comparison, although she still
occasionally complains about the numbness in her hand.
Boy, any married man knows that women can just get on a roll and never let
you forget when you make one little mistake like slegehammering their hand
to a metal fence post.
The political debate about gun control and waiting periods to buy a handgun
should shift to chainsaws. I think whenever a city-boy type wants to
purchase a chainsaw, there should be a waiting period for a background
check. Past experience with power tools should be scrutinized.
There should be a mandatory chainsaw class down at the Home Depot required
in order to obtain a chainsaw license, and I should have to apprentice for
about three months with a country-born local chainsaw expert with an
appropriate name like Stubby or Lefty.
There are things that amateur chainsaw men sometimes do that should scare
the daylights out of anyone. I have actually witnessed a doofus - this line
is dedicated to Dickie Wilkins and please don't run off the road - climb a
ladder wobbly placed against a tree, hold onto a limb with one hand, and
stretch out with a chainsaw in the other and cut down a stray, damaged limb.
OK, I wasn't alone as my wife was holding onto to the ladder so it wouldn't
fall, all the while chastising me as if I didn't have a clue as to what I
was attempting to do. You know my motto, "Safety first!"
While men as a whole are a foolhardy group when it comes to such things, I
am of the belief that we become a bit more lax on the common sense rules
after we turn 50. A sensible woman would simply ask, "Why would anyone who
could afford to pay an expert use a chainsaw?"
I can't answer that satisfactorily except to repeat the mantra used to extol
the testosterone-fueled ages old adage, "It's a man thing. You wouldn't
understand!"
So it is that over the next couple of weeks I will be removing a very large
tree from my yard, one dying branch and trunk section at a time. I won't
take any chances and will surely have Kim holding the household first-aid
kit just in case.
There is probably little chance to get her to hold the tree limbs steady
while I am wielding the saw blade. I bet if his wife hadn't of died that
she'd have never let that poor guy forget how he accidentally severed her
main artery. Yep, that would be just like a woman!
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