that would be just like a woman! --- and why some women end up with two black eyes
On Aug 10, 1:08 pm, Travis <[email protected]> wrote: > Beginner's guide to > chainsawshttp://www.newsandtribune.com/opinion/local_story_221010806.html?keyw... > ondarystory > > <snip> > The political debate about gun control and waiting periods to buy a > handgun should shift to chainsaws. I think whenever a city-boy type > wants to purchase a chainsaw, there should be a waiting period for a > background check. Past experience with power tools should be scrutinized. > > There should be a mandatory chainsaw class down at the Home Depot > required in order to obtain a chainsaw license, and I should have to > apprentice for about three months with a country-born local chainsaw > expert with an appropriate name like Stubby or Lefty. > <snip> > > Beginner's guide to chainsaws > > By LINDON DODD > Local Columnist > > A very large tree has fallen in our yard after a recent storm. It was a tree > that had been damaged by Hurricane Ike last year, and I knew it was just a > matter of time. The tree is probably 50 feet long. I now will have a new > hobby for the next couple of weekends. It will involve a chainsaw. > > When you live out in the tree-lined countryside where I reside, a chainsaw > is simply a necessary accessory. In my neighborhood, it is a rite of passage > or a mandatory talent to be able to chainsaw a tree. However, I was not born > and raised here, so I was what we call a late bloomer in the art of wielding > a chainsaw. > > Longtime column readers are aware of my prowess - lack of the same in > matters relating to things mechanical, maintenance-oriented tasks and almost > anything resembling an outdoor manly undertaking. > > One of my lifelong, closely held philosophies was to get a college education > so I would never have to starve because of having to use my hands to make a > living. Think of a cross between the steady hands of a Don Knotts and the > mechanical intelligence of Jethro Bodine using a chainsaw and my ineptness > should be abundantly clear. > > Not unlike most men who think we can do anything regardless of lack of > training or aptitude, I have upon occasion used a chainsaw over the last > year. It's a basic 18-inch chain somewhat beginner model. > > I recently even briefly considered moving up to the larger lumberjack-sized > chainsaw - which I understand is capable of severing a man's leg in two in > roughly half the time of an 18-incher - but reconsidered. I simply had my > smaller one repaired. So now I am again using my undersized chainsaw for > lumberjack-sized trees. > > There are some statements that are never heard when using a chainsaw. > "Honey, I had an accident with the chainsaw. Can you bring me some iodine > and a Band-Aid?" > > Chainsaw accidents are like skydiving mishaps - while not all that common > usually rather serious in scope. > > Last year, I read a story where a wife was assisting her husband in a > chainsaw job around their yard and somehow he tragically cut her neck and > she died. That makes my sledgehammer-swinging accident, when my wife was > holding a fence post, seem rather minor in comparison, although she still > occasionally complains about the numbness in her hand. > > Boy, any married man knows that women can just get on a roll and never let > you forget when you make one little mistake like slegehammering their hand > to a metal fence post. > > The political debate about gun control and waiting periods to buy a handgun > should shift to chainsaws. I think whenever a city-boy type wants to > purchase a chainsaw, there should be a waiting period for a background > check. Past experience with power tools should be scrutinized. > > There should be a mandatory chainsaw class down at the Home Depot required > in order to obtain a chainsaw license, and I should have to apprentice for > about three months with a country-born local chainsaw expert with an > appropriate name like Stubby or Lefty. > > There are things that amateur chainsaw men sometimes do that should scare > the daylights out of anyone. I have actually witnessed a doofus - this line > is dedicated to Dickie Wilkins and please don't run off the road - climb a > ladder wobbly placed against a tree, hold onto a limb with one hand, and > stretch out with a chainsaw in the other and cut down a stray, damaged limb. > > OK, I wasn't alone as my wife was holding onto to the ladder so it wouldn't > fall, all the while chastising me as if I didn't have a clue as to what I > was attempting to do. You know my motto, "Safety first!" > > While men as a whole are a foolhardy group when it comes to such things, I > am of the belief that we become a bit more lax on the common sense rules > after we turn 50. A sensible woman would simply ask, "Why would anyone who > could afford to pay an expert use a chainsaw?" > > I can't answer that satisfactorily except to repeat the mantra used to extol > the testosterone-fueled ages old adage, "It's a man thing. You wouldn't > understand!" > > So it is that over the next couple of weeks I will be removing a very large > tree from my yard, one dying branch and trunk section at a time. I won't > take any chances and will surely have Kim holding the household first-aid > kit just in case. > > There is probably little chance to get her to hold the tree limbs steady > while I am wielding the saw blade. I bet if his wife hadn't of died that > she'd have never let that poor guy forget how he accidentally severed her > main artery. 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