by Hari Heath
From the September 1999 Issue of the Idaho Observer:
Editor's Note: Mr. Heath has done it again. He has taken complex subject
matter
and simplified it to the point that we should all feel a little silly. A
word of
caution in reading "Stuff": Be careful to keep your mouth empty of food
or
beverage just in case your mirthfully introspective reaction to
something in
this piece makes you laugh out loud unexpectedly.
In the beginning was stuff and the stuff was good. Lots of good stuff.
And we
traded, for not everyone had the same stuff. We hunted for stuff and
gathered
stuff and made stuff. Life was good when we had stuff. In time, some
collected
more stuff than they could use. They had great piles of stuff and became
merchants. They traded wisely until their piles of stuff grew too large.
They knew they had a problem of too much stuff, so they made special
stuff that
was smaller and easy to carry and didn't go bad in the sun. It was made
out of
rare metals so it wouldn't be easy to make too much of, thereby losing
its value
as special stuff. They made it round and shiny with pictures on it, so
people
would think it was beautiful and like it. Each of these coins were given
a name
and a value, so people would know just how special the stuff was. Then
they gave
a value, in the name of the special stuff, to all their other stuff.
In time, everything was given value in the name of the special stuff.
Not just
things you could hunt or gather or make, but your time, or even your
ideas were
given a value in special stuff. Eventually, people wanted the special
stuff,
even more than real stuff. They would do almost anything to get the
special
stuff.
The special stuff became so important to people that just a pocketful of
it
could buy a boat load of food, or an army of men for a day. This became
important, because once we had all this special stuff, we forgot how to
hunt and
gather and make things. We needed boat loads of food and armies of men
to
protect our stuff, or to take other people's stuff.
After a time, the people who started out as merchants, with great piles
of real
stuff, discovered that they didn't need any real stuff any more. They
could make
special stuff turn into more special stuff by letting other people use
it, if
they paid a use tax called interest. Soon they had great piles of
special stuff
and built great houses just for their special stuff. They learned that
many
things could be controlled by those who really knew their stuff.
The people became so mesmerized by the special stuff that they only
wanted more.
They would go far from home and do things they never would do for
themselves or
their friends. The more special stuff they had, the more real stuff they
could
get with it, so they could live a life of ease with enough special
stuff. Of
course, it wasn't that easy to get all the special stuff they thought
they
needed.
The special stuff merchants learned how to make magic happen. The people
performed great wonders when they let them use their special stuff.
People would
make things beyond their wildest dreams, just to get more special stuff.
Not content with watching the piles of special stuff grow in their great
houses
from the tax on the use of their special stuff, they made a new special
stuff.
It wasn't real special stuff, for it was made of paper. But they made it
pretty,
with faces and names of the value they gave it. They kept the real
special stuff
in their great houses and gave the people the paper stuff, for it said
it was
redeemable in special stuff any time they wanted. The people believed
the paper
stuff was also special stuff for it could be traded in for the real
thing. This
was the beginning of the greatest magic trick of all.
Because the people believed in this new paper stuff they could use it
instead of
the special stuff. It was pretty and much lighter. They could carry much
more of
it, so it was even better. After awhile, the people liked the paper
stuff even
more than the special stuff, which was very good for the special stuff
merchants. They could now have their own hidden tax called inflation
because
they could print more paper stuff to let people use, than they had
special stuff
to redeem it with. Since not everyone wanted the real thing at once, the
printing presses rolled on.
There came a time, when there was so much paper that the people had
enough. The
paper stuff merchants learned that if there was too much paper stuff it
wouldn't
be special any more because people would notice that there was more
paper stuff
than there was stuff.
The paper merchants were very good at counting because they had to be.
They
learned to keep good track of all the real stuff that was made so they
could
adjust the amount of paper stuff in the peoples' pockets.
There were many ways to adjust the paper-to-stuff ratio. Sometimes they
would
just raise the interest tax which collected some of the paper stuff and
brought
it back to the paper stuff merchants. This was good for small
adjustments.
Sometimes when they had too much paper stuff and there was also lots of
stuff
they gave away paper stuff to people who thought they were needy. Then
the needy
people could buy more stuff. They called this welfare. It got rid of the
extra
paper stuff and the extra stuff was consumed, making for a very good
adjustment
because everyone was happy. Sometimes they would use this welfare trick
on poor
people and sometimes they gave it to rich corporations. It didn't matter
as long
as both the extra paper stuff and the extra stuff was gone and they got
an
adjustment.
Another good adjustment was called the space program. Because the
special stuff
had made people learn to do things beyond their wildest dreams, some
people
learned how to go into outer space. This took lots of paper stuff and
the stuff
they made with it went into outer space, where it wouldn't count any
more in the
paper-to-stuff ratio.
When they had way too much stuff, and too much paper stuff, they needed
a big
adjustment. The best way to get a big adjustment was to start a war. War
was
always a good way to get an adjustment because it took lots of paper
stuff and
the people wrecked each others stuff. Wars could last for years which
made for a
real good adjustment. Of course, it wasn't always the best kind of
adjustment,
because war rarely made people happy. War did make people get excited
and think
up some of the wildest things. They would make these things just for the
special
stuff which nowadays was only paper stuff. Some of the best stuff was
made up,
because they needed it to make a better war.
One time a president named Reagan tried to get an adjustment using both
war and
the space program. He had lowered the taxes on the people which caused
them to
be more productive and have more stuff. There was also lots of extra
paper then
too. This can happen when you have your own printing press.
Anyway, President Reagan came up with the Star Wars Strategic Defense
Initiative
to save us from the Russians. The Russians were really the friends of
the paper
stuff merchants too, and weren't gonna hurt us, but it was a good story
that the
people believed for a while. President Reagan threw lots of paper stuff
at his
Star Wars initiative which got rid of the paper stuff and they bought
lots of
stuff with it that they never really used because they didn't end up
having a
war in space. Stuff that you can't really use doesn't count in the
paper-to-stuff ratio, except when you first make it. It was a really
good
adjustment. Everyone was happy because they didn't have another war.
These merchants in the great houses of paper stuff can control nations
with
their paper. Their paper world was getting to hot to handle lately, and
was
about to implode from the sheer weight of all the extra paper stuff they
made
up. So they pulled off a big magic trick right before our eyes and
called it
Kosovo. First they knew where some very valuable stuff was under the
ground.
They also knew the people who lived there were mad at each other so they
could
easily make them fight each other. Then they gave lots of paper stuff to
the
media, so they would only tell one side of the story (like they usually
do).
This worked great, because people believed the media, and thought the
Serbs were
the only real bad guys this time. So we needed a war to teach them a
lesson. We
bombed and wrecked their stuff until they didn't have very much left.
Then after
we used up a whole bunch of our stuff to wreck their stuff, we stopped
and had a
peace. This was a great adjustment for the paper stuff merchants.
Now, since winter is coming and the Serbian people don't have much stuff
to eat
or stay warm with, they will need more paper stuff to get by. So the
paper stuff
merchants and the governments they bought along time ago made an offer
to the
Serbian people. Get rid of your leader, because he was a really bad guy,
and
replace him with someone we like and we'll give you lots of paper stuff
to buy
food and fuel, and all that good stuff. Just get a new leader we like
and we'll
fix all the roads and bridges we wrecked and build you new towns to live
in.
But the part the media doesn't tell you is that the paper stuff
merchants will
also get to own Kosovo, which has lots coal and special metals in the
mines
underneath it. That's the real stuff they wanted in the first place. And
how
will they get it mined? With people who will do anything for paper
stuff. Do you
see how this paper stuff magic happens?
Prisons are another kind of adjustment. That's why the law-making people
have
invented so many new crimes. It's become a very big business for
government. If
they put you in prison, then you don't get to have very much stuff. And
they can
take your stuff, because they said you were bad, and should give them
your
stuff. It also takes lots of paper stuff to keep you in prison. Everyone
has to
pay out some of their paper stuff to lock you up. This helps the
paper-to-stuff
ratio by using up paper stuff on the cost of building and running
prisons. And
it gets rid of your stuff and keeps you from making more stuff to upset
the
ratio.
Unless of course, you work in one of the new prison labor programs,
where you
work real cheap. This is a tricky little adjustment because you make
real stuff
for very little paper stuff which helps out the paper stuff merchants
when they
have too much paper stuff. This one also works good in third world
countries.
Sometimes the paper stuff merchants get an adjustment by just letting
the
markets collapse. This changes the paper-to-stuff ratio by changing the
value of
the paper. Sometimes they call it inflation and sometimes they call it
deflation. It doesn't really matter, because in the end, the paper stuff
is
worth less. Smart people already know the paper stuff is worthless, not
just
worth less, but most people aren't that smart. Their whole lives are
spent
chasing worthless paper instead of making their own real stuff. They
have
forgotten how to hunt and gather and make stuff, so their lives have
become as
worthless as the paper they chase.
This is what happens when people forget the important things in life and
get
tricked by the paper stuff merchants. If you believe in something,
that's made
up from nothing, then eventually your life, that could have been
something, may
end up as nothing.
Just like that old song says, “we're living in a land of make believe,
and
trying not to let it show...”
That is the kind of stuff from which money is made.
http://members.home.net/mike.kemp/Fred_Boom_2.avi
