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Today's tax tip: The Webb Hubbell System
KANE WEBB ADG HERE'S A money-saving way for all you good people out there who work hard, play by the rules, and dutifully file your income taxes every year. You deserve a break, so today we're going to tell you how to save wads of money: Just go right ahead and do just what you're doing, like the good, law-abiding, tax-filing citizens you are. Just don't pay the money. That's right. File all the returns (it's against
the law not to) but
never get around to sending in the check. That's what Webb Hubbell did. The former distinguished everything regularly filed his returns, reporting sizable taxes on his even more sizable income. The returns are all noted in the court papers. He toted up his taxes for 1989, 1990, 1991 and 1992, and again in 1994 and 1995, but he just didn't pay them. The system is simplicity itself. Well, Our Hero did have to pay something on his
tax bill for 1994.
($7,111) It seems that, as the third-highest official at the Justice Department, he was subject to withholding. Warning: This system may not work if you're just a working stiff who gets his taxes deducted from a payroll check. Those folks have to pay at the office. The little guy can forget it. What you really need is a bunch of clients who pay you sizable fees for vague services rendered. It's not clear how much Judge/ General Hubbell
still owes the
revenooers; he doesn't dispute $436,586 of the bill. It could be more. The plea bargain puts the amount in excess of $761,123, counting penalties and interest. Not a bad return for a little studied neglect. Sure, there's a law against this kind of thing. (U.S. Code: Title 26, Section 7203, to be exact: Willful failure to file return, supply information, or pay tax.) The misdemeanor, which is what Mr. Hubbell pled guilty to the other day, carries a fine of up to $25,000 and a sentence of up to a year in jail. But distinguished defendant got off with a year's probation after pleading guilty to this and an unrelated felony as well. (When they call this sort of thing a plea bargain, they mean bargain.) But he does have to pay a special assessment: $125. Not bad on half a million or maybe more in unpaid taxes. (Let's not even count the $54,000 in taxes he could owe Arkansas, or the $78,000 in Washington, D.C.) And, yes, Webb Hubbell still owes the money. But
not even the
federal government can squeeze blood out of an ever-so- distinguished turnip. No assets, no payments. So if you're tempted to try the Webb Hubbell System, take the simple precaution of spending your income before they catch up with you. And when they do, accuse the prosecution of conducting a witch hunt, a political vendetta, a Starr Chamber, and generally of spoiling all the fun. Then, when it's over, issue a self-serving
statement that's more
brag than confession. Write it as if you're nominating yourself for sainthood, or at least martyrdom. Make it sound like a vindication instead of another plea bargain and light sentence. Do it right, and have the right friends, and even the president of the United States, the country's chief law enforce ment official, might wish you well. When framing this victory statement, be sure to
throw in a
generous amount of self-pity. Webb Hubbell's statement the other day would make a good model. ("After five years, it's over. The Office of Independent Counsel has finally agreed to leave me, my family and friends alone. For the first time in five years I am not under criminal investigation...'') And if you were the one who involved yourself, your family and friends and associates in your schemes, and betrayed their trust, and made the folks back home look like suckers for ever trusting you, make it all seem as if it's the law's fault. Above all, when writing this kind of statement,
express no regret.
Make no apology for your crime, though it's permissible to offer an unconvincing excuse or two. Webb Hubbell's venture into this genre may be the most impressive and least remorseful statement issued by a high-level crook in the Clinton or even the Nixon administration. It just drips with oh-so-righteous indignation. It deserves an award of some kind. Maybe somebody could start a contest for Bad Victor Hugo prose, the way we have Bad Hemingway. As a self-serving memoirist, The Hon. Webster Hubbell III reminds us of the late great Jim McDougal without the charm. Caution: This technique will not work if you're
an honest, law-
abiding taxpayer, i.e. poor sucker, who couldn't bear to look those who do pay their taxes in the eye after pulling off something like this. Or if you have an active conscience. The one absolute requirement for working the Webb Hubbell System is an utter shamelessness. But there's a lot of that going around. |
