What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk. What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? Nobody wants to hit a skunk. Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that would gag even a vulture. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys! How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Good! How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. How do you kill 4000 lawyers? You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink. What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation? A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? Respect. What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? They're all slime. Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side. What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? He would starve to death. Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? Even hyenas have some dignity. What do you call an honest lawyer? An impossibility. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? At least he wasn't a lawyer. What is the difference between pigs and lawyers. You can learn to respect a pig. What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities. What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism? What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldn't decide which side to spit on. Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn Excessive taxation. will carry reason and reflection to every man's door, and particularly in the hour of election. - Thomas Jefferson, letter to John Taylor, 1798 ----- Original Message ----- From: "Jeff Todd" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: "RollTideFan - University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Saturday, September 11, 2004 12:37 AM Subject: Re: [RollTideFan] From The Neal Boortz Website.... > > ----- Original Message ----- > From: "Joe Goodson" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > To: "RollTideFan - University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > Sent: Saturday, September 11, 2004 12:32 AM > Subject: Re: [RollTideFan] From The Neal Boortz Website.... > > > > If the lawyers trying to get around it are not bad enough....you have > > activist judges who just make shit up as they go...totally IGNORING the > > Constitution. > > Judges who are, OH, BY THE WAY, lawyers themslef's! > > Slef E. > > > ______________________________________________________ > RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List > > Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! > > To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit > http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net > > New AOL.com addresses are NOT allowed on this list. Get a real ISP. > > > ______________________________________________________ RollTideFan - The University of Alabama Athletics Discussion List Welcome to RollTideFan! Wear a cup! To join or leave the list or to make changes to your subscription visit http://listinfo.rolltidefan.net New AOL.com addresses are NOT allowed on this list. Get a real ISP.
