OT:Friday Humour

[Gidd Calden]

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light! 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't. 

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.  

10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.


12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 

15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 

18.. Procrastinate Now! 

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 

20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 

22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  

24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory. 

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.  

27..The trouble with life is there's no background music. 

28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 

29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. 

 



Regards.Gidd 

 


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OT:Friday Humour Part Deaux

[Gidd]

My bad .
 


 
A business man got on an elevator in a building. 
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she
greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
 
 
 
 

Useful Work Phrases


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.   

 

 

Regards.Gidd 

 

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Re: Microsoft MOM Developer OT:Friday Humour

[arslist]

Wouldn't that be Bill Gates's grandmother?

  _  

From: Action Request System discussion list(ARSList)
[mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Tanner, Doug
Sent: February 1, 2008 12:13 PM
To: arslist@ARSLIST.ORG
Subject: JOB: Microsoft MOM Developer


** 

A friend of mine is looking for a Microsoft MOM developer for a remote
development project. If interested, please email me off the list. Thanks,
Doug

 

 

Doug Tanner

Senior Developer

Remedy Skilled Professional (RSP)

(704) 328-3178

[EMAIL PROTECTED]

 

 

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product doctrine. Accessing, copying, disseminating or re-using any of the
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Re: Remedy Support Site - Fixed? Not exactly their support site OT:Friday Humour

[[EMAIL PROTECTED]]

**



Well, 
so this is a physical mailing from BMCSoftware,
but it 
seems related to some ancient data appearing for people.
 
Somehow I have joined a company 
called
"Ultramar Diamond Shamrock 
Incorporated"
 
[which 
doesn't match any support id I have on the web page]


 
Ironically the brochure is for 
 
"Transitioning the Service Desk from Reactive to 
Proactive",
which 
considering this week ...
 
cheers 
... Daniel
p.s. 
this might have been based on an error that occurred in 
1998.
If 
someone reading this in BMC knows who does Webinar mail 
outs,
ask 
them to check their database please. This was sent from 
Houston,
and 
Houston, we have a problem
__20060125___This posting was submitted with HTML in it___

OT:Friday Humour - Mother's Day

[Gidd Calden]

 
You Know You're a Mom When ... 

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room
together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. 
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call
you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you
locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child
leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where
it is.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to
her, after you suck the dirt off of it because you're too busy to wash it
off.
11. Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc. and
you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your
guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping,
washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing,
ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing,
helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding
clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling,
feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding,
pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch,
bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope,
PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and
walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep,
drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures,
water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair
forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies
bars

 
Part II

10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently
sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at
school!

7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming
outside the door.

6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed
with applesauce.

5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away,
not to mention what Bambi does to you.

4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language.

3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101
Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have
your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up
on your head?"

1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying
some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've
reached over and started to cut up his steak!

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OT:Friday Humour - Funny Side of Doctor's

[Gidd Calden]

**




Delivery TimeA man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to 
have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the 
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there 
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.Doctor in Texas 
Diet ProblemsI was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, 
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky 
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked 
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY 
Jelly."Doctor in MI 
A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB,was 
quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he 
had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle aged lady upon whom he 
was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed 
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling 
you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was 
an Oscar Meyer Wiener." 
Toxic ParentsFrom a medical student currently doing a rotation in 
toxicology at the poison control center: Today, this woman called in very upset 
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that 
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into 
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to 
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the 
ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room 
right away. 
Colonoscopy HumorA physician claims these are actual comments from his 
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:1. "Take it easy, 
Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."2. "Find Amelia 
Earhart yet?"3. "Can you hear me NOW?"4. "Oh boy, that was 
sphincterrific!"5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there 
yet?"6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."7. 
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"8. "You put your left hand in, 
you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey"9. "Hey! Now I 
know how a Muppet feels!"10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must 
acquit!"11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."12. 
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"AND FINALLY (drum 
roll and cymbal crash.)13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, 
saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" 
Examination RoomAt the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on 
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big 
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the 
patient.Doctor in Washington 
I was performing a complete physical, including the 
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, 
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now 
cover your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was 
silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and 
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with 
both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.Doctor in 
MA 
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's 
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other 
patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this guy 
handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As 
he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the 
doctor for today?""There's something wrong with my penis," he 
replied.The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come 
into a crowded office and say things like that.""Why not? You asked me 
what was wrong and I told you," he said.The receptionist replied, 
"You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You 
should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then 
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."The man walked 
out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered.The receptionist smiled 
smugly and asked, "Yes?'"There's something wrong with my ear," he 
stated.The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had 
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?""I can't piss 
out of it," the man replied.The doctor's office erupted in laughter. 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, 
I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion 
she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was 
alive,"Doctor in OR 
Problems with MedicationsDuring a patient's two week follow-up 
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was 
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. 
The nurse told me to put on a