Blonde moment darlings forgot to include the message!!
On 27 Jun 2008, at 23:32, Sue Duckles wrote:
THE TIMES
Letter of the Year:
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most
sincerely..
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with
which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has
become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must
countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the
mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated
to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting
up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year..
Your Humble Client
Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a
lady who is a 98 year old woman;
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!?
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