Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 19:27:34 -0400
From: "Pres Waterman" [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: Fw: Pentagon Phone Menu
Subject: ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
"Thank you for calling the British Army. Sorry, but
all our units are out, on leave or are otherwise
engaged at the moment.
Please leave a message, stating: your country, name of
organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a
number at which we can call you. All calls will be
charged at 50p a minute to defray costs.
Someone will call you as soon as we have sorted out:
the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium
Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London,
compulsory Equal-Opportunities training, and all our
Racism-Awareness courses...
Please speak after the tone. If you require more
options, please select one of the following:
#61623; If your crisis is small and close to the sea,
press 1 for The Royal Marines.
#61623; If your crisis is distant, with a tropical
climate and good hotels, and can be resolved by one or
two low-risk bombing runs, please press 'Hash' for the
Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not
available after 16:30 hours or on weekends.
#61623; If your enquiry concerns a situation which
can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting,
flags and a really good marching band, please write
well in advance, to: The First Sea Lord, the
Admiralty, Whitehall, London SW1.
#61623; If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2
for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.
#61623; If you are in real, hot trouble, please press
3, and your call will be routed to Sandline
International.
#61623; If your crisis can be dealt with from over
20,000 feet with no risk and a limited ability to read
a tourist map, please contact The US President
direct on 001 100 66.
#61623; If your problem is dubious but can be turned
to political advantage and blown out of all
proportion, please e-mail Tony Blair c/o Bill Clinton
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
#61623; If your problem can be solved by use of a
redundant EU Commissioner with little or no ability,
please contact e-mail [EMAIL PROTECTED] to
see if her husband is allowed to come.
#61623; If you are interested in joining the Army and
wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature
arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization and are prepared to work your
butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers and
terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the
Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of
service, the Foreign Secretary giving away the country
you wished to defend, the Chancellor destroying your
national asset base, your Cabinet giving you away to
command by a foreign power, and your Government make a
nonsense of your oath of allegiance, then please stay
on the line.
Your call will shortly be connected to a rather
bitter,
much passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop
down by the railway station.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to
contact the residue of The British Army."
*
--- [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
Hi y'all,
When I worked at the library one of my jobs was to
set up the incoming phone
message - if you want reference, press 1; if you
want etc. I thought it was
the stupidest thing in the world. It is a close to
anti-public service as you
can get. But, I wasn't the boss. Besides, it could
be worse - read on.
Party on,
William
---
Subject: Pentagon phone menu
Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human
customer service representatives
with computers could affect the military? Here's
the result. Picture troops
under fire, desperately needing artillery support,
making a phone call and
hearing the following:
Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated
artillery support request
line. Please be assured that we will attempt to
assist you with all available
resources in the shortest time possible. For air
support, please call the
U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
[In enemy language: If you are a member of the
[enemy country] army, we will
not be able to assist you. Please contact your own
army's artillery support
request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]
If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please
press 1.
If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press
2.
If you are defending a fixed position, please press
3.
If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about
to be overrun, please press 4.
If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission
request, please press 5.
Press the star key at any time to return to the main
menu.
Please select the type of fire mission you would
like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please
press 1.
If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please
press 2.
If you would like advanced munitions, such
as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please
press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates.
If you w
