Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, September 30, 2003
"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends
you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in
Australia." -- Dame Edna Everage
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few
people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however,
you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold
out? Important Safety Tip: do
<ot stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her
baby came from.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
You've been complaining too much, lately. You might
find more to enjoy in your life
by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in
miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good
luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover
that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right
shoulder.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless,
anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come
up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized
pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch
and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile,
which is making a ticking sound.
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
Good day to doodle.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of
Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear,
uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you
ask him to leave.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all
be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should
then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off.
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say
anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely
relevant to your own situation.
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The Daily Humorscope
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