ABBOT AND COSTELLO IN THE
COMPUTER AGE
ABBOT: Hello? Computer Support Group. Can I help
you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and
I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT:
Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your
computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy
one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is
Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why?
Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with
Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look
out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:
Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT:
Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need
something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a
business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO:
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just
did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT:
Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended
something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For
my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO:
Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT:
Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my
office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I
already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my
computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to
need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT:
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The
Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is
office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for
Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for
windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue
W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I
want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT:
RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What
I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch
it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll
also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel
four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With
what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my
computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You
click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one
what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is
that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is
RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What
word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But
there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No,
just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It
is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words
left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And
that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do
with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO:
Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need
something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me
track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO:
That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I
need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really. It comes
bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my
computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO:
Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT:
Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with
my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I
get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I
get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We
have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO:
Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why
not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get
free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing
your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program
disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in
its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You
sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from
us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful,
but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know,
accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO:
Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you
don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO:
M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind
Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No,
that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO:
Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business, you
know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of
course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need
more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More
than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I
don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm
worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash! And if my computer
crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT:
GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer
smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you
recommend?
ABBOT: Go Back.
COSTELLO: How
many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've
never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been
anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a
proposal?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But
I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you
only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But
there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello?
Hello?
Greg Hopper
"Why is it that our children can't
read a Bible in school, but they can
in
prison?"