I'm thinking about getting married. I looked
up the word "engaged"
in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I
looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."
in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then I
looked up mother-in-law. It said, "See engaged."
Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same token, a
mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is the same.
DOCTOR <to his female patient>:
"You look so weak and exhausted! Are you having
your meals three times a day, as I advised?"
LADY PATIENT:
"Doctor, I thought you said three males a day!"
"You look so weak and exhausted! Are you having
your meals three times a day, as I advised?"
LADY PATIENT:
"Doctor, I thought you said three males a day!"
The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight
problem. Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
problem. Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
"In Missouri, a guy goes into a K-Mart releases a hundred
bees as a diversion for his shoplifting. The bees kept
banging against the glass, trying to get out. It's like
they knew they were at a K-Mart."
bees as a diversion for his shoplifting. The bees kept
banging against the glass, trying to get out. It's like
they knew they were at a K-Mart."
-- Jay Leno
"Are you getting used to saying Governor Schwarzenegger yet?
Arnold says that he will not make any movies while he is
governor. I was thinking to myself: Now, if we could just get
Ben and J. Lo to run for office."
-- David Letterman
Arnold says that he will not make any movies while he is
governor. I was thinking to myself: Now, if we could just get
Ben and J. Lo to run for office."
-- David Letterman
Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing
the merits of this "new-fangled" support pantyhose.
"Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear,
"every time I fart, I blow my slippers off."
the merits of this "new-fangled" support pantyhose.
"Well, I don't like them," said the first old dear,
"every time I fart, I blow my slippers off."
"Rush Limbaugh is now in rehabilitation and it's going well.
It's interesting, one minute you're Rush Limbaugh, great
conservative radio talk show host, and the next day, you're
standing in line with other patients waiting for
Darryl Strawberry's autograph."
-- David Letterman
Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian.
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in
his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"
his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she
wanted.
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds in
it."
So I'm giving her a deck of cards!
Charles Mims
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