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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope for Tuesday, December 9, 2003
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of
tires.
Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it
is silly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear,
uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery,
when you ask him to leave.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll
end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short
and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the
bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule
quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it
with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get
it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles --
or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over
them!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda,
since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I
(and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen
implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough
sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a
cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot
helicopters.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered
using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are
available, these days?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu,
Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua,
Tsathoggua, Dagon, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have
atrocious table manners.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be
when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as
either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to
have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
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