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The state of Virginia this
past summer adopted new fire codes that prohibit certain apartment dwellers
from possessing a freshly cut Christmas tree. The rationale is that, in buildings
without sprinkler systems, dried-out Christmas trees can become lethal. A fir
so easily becomes a fire. Naturally the new codes,
when publicized this week, triggered widespread hysteria and protests. Some
state and local fire officials responded by saying they wouldn't enforce the
ban. That would be tragic,
because, in addition to building roads and schools and waging the occasional
war in a distant land, the obligation of the government is to protect citizens
from freak accidents that kill a handful of people every year in a country of
280 million. This new law should be the catalyst for a sweeping crackdown on
all the hazards that make Christmas notorious as the season of misery and
death. Here is a list, compiled
over several hours of careful risk analysis, of all the things that must be
banned immediately before someone gets hurt: 1. Eggnog. Hideously
fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When "spiked" it incites
the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages, including mulled wine,
hard cider and schnapps. 2. Decorations. Broken glass
ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer
unusual electrocution opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can
cause automobile pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a
manger might bite children. 3. Carols. Hypothermia risk.
Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing embarrassment, stress and
other harbingers of early death. Religious themes of carols could prove
offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations. 4. Sledding. Involves a
kinetic event that would more properly be described as skidding. Any close
analysis will reveal that sleds not only have poor traction but are expressly
designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface. Should be every bit as
illegal as dangling a baby from a balcony. 5. Hearths. The ultimate
fire hazard. People often use them to have open fires, complete with
exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily gelled hair or even on
a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn into the Yowling
Fireball of Doom. 6. Menorahs. Still more open
fire. Why not just pass around blowtorches and cans of gasoline? 7. Artificial Christmas
trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal Mike Reilly, defending the ban on
cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my nine-foot artificial tree. I
don't think it's a major inconvenience when you look at the risks."
Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to enormous size these days, and
anyone who stands under a nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed. 8. Gifts. Small gifts are a
choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal in the stocking of a
person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs have wrapping that
requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner that can lead to the loss
of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt, anxiety and compensatory
high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking and attempted gift returns.
Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male gives his sweetheart
something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket wrench set, or a
jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence. 9. Mistletoe. The number of
unwanted pregnancies resulting from the placement of mistletoe on the ceiling
and over doorways has never been properly calculated, but is surely
astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard. 10. Shopping mall Santas. A
strange man wearing a disguise who asks small children to sit in his lap. You
make the call. 11. Reindeer. Lyme disease
vectors. 12. Elves. Ideology and
political allegiance unknown. Terror risk? Charles
Mims |
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