Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Monday, January 5, 2004
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he
found out. |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well,
tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and
cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an
opportunity to grow, spiritually.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to go around "nudging" people.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl
robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll
take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game
of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps." This will have
several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a
car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its
hubcaps.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find
some way of making squishy sounds.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today,
no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks
but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden,
through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a
fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance
personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will
arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any
indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to
help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your
motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's
making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM
Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining
the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
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