Late Night With
Saddam
"It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush."
-Bill Maher, on Saddam's capture
"Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, what's he going to get his dad for Christmas next year?"
-Jay Leno
"President Bush says he doesn't want to use the capture of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow, public trial that would end, oh, about next November."
-Jay Leno
"For the last four days, they've been interrogating Saddam Hussein. ... He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said 'Oh sure, I'd run into him at industry functions, but I didn't really know him.'"
-David Letterman
"Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book."
-Jay Leno
"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner"
-Conan O'Brien
"According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled 'I'm willing to negotiate.' I'm no expert on the art of the deal, but when you're in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your bargaining chip?"
-Jay Leno
"They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction."
-David Letterman
"I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned - but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?"
-Jon Stewart
"During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us - and Howard Dean said 'Hey, that's my line!'"
-Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean was going to make a major speech on foreign policy but then Saddam Hussein was captured and he had to change the speech dramatically at the last second. The new title - 'Oh, Crap!'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld."
-Conan O'Brien
"One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for flees on FOX News."
-David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell, Michael Jackson put up more of a fight."
-David Letterman
"This guy was a wreck, you saw the pictures. They had to clean him up in a hurry; they had to give him an emergency Queer Eye makeover."
-David Letterman
"You've seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that long beard. They say he was confused; he was disoriented. It's the same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean."
-David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein has been captured. I'm sure everyone knows that by now unless you've been living in a hole, in which case if you were, you're probably the guy they got."
-Jon Stewart
"It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so many times."
-Jay Leno
"They took a DNA sample from him - that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'"
-Jay Leno
"At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton ... $750,000 - you know what that means? He is now eligible for the Bush tax cut!"
-Jay Leno
"Reaction is coming in from all over the world. The British government is praising the United States, the Spanish government said it was a great day, and the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered - 'We couldn't have done it quicker ourselves!"
-Jay Leno
"When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn't want him caught - the Democratic candidates."
-Jay Leno
"In footage that's already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party."
-Jon Stewart
"The individual who gave the tip leading to Hussein's capture gets a $25 million award. Surprisingly, the man's name is Hall Halliburton."
-Craig Kilborn
"We have captured Saddam Hussein. President Bush said those two words that strike fear in the heart of every Californian: fair trial."
-Craig Kilborn
"Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher of Baghdad got a flu shot before you?"
-Craig Kilborn
Saddam was captured and living in a hole - a six-by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway."
-David Letterman
"He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several un-opened packages of underwear - it's like I have a twin!"
-David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That's good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddam's three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell aren't we?"
-David Letterman
"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?"
-Jay Leno
"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."
-David Letterman
"It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush."
-Bill Maher, on Saddam's capture
"Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, what's he going to get his dad for Christmas next year?"
-Jay Leno
"President Bush says he doesn't want to use the capture of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow, public trial that would end, oh, about next November."
-Jay Leno
"For the last four days, they've been interrogating Saddam Hussein. ... He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said 'Oh sure, I'd run into him at industry functions, but I didn't really know him.'"
-David Letterman
"Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself."
-Jay Leno
"President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book."
-Jay Leno
"When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner"
-Conan O'Brien
"According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled 'I'm willing to negotiate.' I'm no expert on the art of the deal, but when you're in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your bargaining chip?"
-Jay Leno
"They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction."
-David Letterman
"I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned - but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?"
-Jon Stewart
"During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us - and Howard Dean said 'Hey, that's my line!'"
-Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean was going to make a major speech on foreign policy but then Saddam Hussein was captured and he had to change the speech dramatically at the last second. The new title - 'Oh, Crap!'"
-Conan O'Brien
"Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld."
-Conan O'Brien
"One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for flees on FOX News."
-David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell, Michael Jackson put up more of a fight."
-David Letterman
"This guy was a wreck, you saw the pictures. They had to clean him up in a hurry; they had to give him an emergency Queer Eye makeover."
-David Letterman
"You've seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that long beard. They say he was confused; he was disoriented. It's the same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean."
-David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein has been captured. I'm sure everyone knows that by now unless you've been living in a hole, in which case if you were, you're probably the guy they got."
-Jon Stewart
"It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so many times."
-Jay Leno
"They took a DNA sample from him - that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'"
-Jay Leno
"At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton ... $750,000 - you know what that means? He is now eligible for the Bush tax cut!"
-Jay Leno
"Reaction is coming in from all over the world. The British government is praising the United States, the Spanish government said it was a great day, and the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered - 'We couldn't have done it quicker ourselves!"
-Jay Leno
"When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn't want him caught - the Democratic candidates."
-Jay Leno
"In footage that's already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party."
-Jon Stewart
"The individual who gave the tip leading to Hussein's capture gets a $25 million award. Surprisingly, the man's name is Hall Halliburton."
-Craig Kilborn
"We have captured Saddam Hussein. President Bush said those two words that strike fear in the heart of every Californian: fair trial."
-Craig Kilborn
"Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher of Baghdad got a flu shot before you?"
-Craig Kilborn
Saddam was captured and living in a hole - a six-by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway."
-David Letterman
"He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several un-opened packages of underwear - it's like I have a twin!"
-David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That's good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddam's three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell aren't we?"
-David Letterman
"The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?"
-Jay Leno
"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."
-David Letterman
Charles Mims
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