January 14, 2004
The Top 15 George W. Bush Space Proposals
15> Send an unmanned probe to the distant Milky Way galaxy.
14> Launch satellites that can make big bunny shadows on the moon
every night.
13> Sell the sun to Halliburton so that they can corner the
solar-energy market, too.
12> Determine if the moon is made of stinky French cheese or God's
cheese, Velveeta.
11> Finally send a rescue team to retrieve that poor lost dog,
Pluto.
10> Shoot 500 poor people into space every week until decent folks
feel safe to walk at night again.
9> A mission to locate his Air National Guard unit that he
couldn't find during the Vietnam War.
8> Move the moon closer, so we can just fly there by airplane.
7> Instead of useless gray, use giant spotlights to make the
moon's color reflect the current terror alert level.
6> Find the black hole that Al Gore's career got sucked into;
seal it forever.
5> Find the Robinson family before that Dr. Smith jerk gets them
all killed.
4> The Howard Dean Space Station -- complete with Howard Dean in
permanent residence.
3> Increase funding to NAPA to help the search for intelligent
life.
2> Finally land a man on the sun -- Paul O'Neill.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 George W. Bush Space Proposal...
1> Launch a pre-emptive strike against Marvin the Martian based
on intelligence gathered by Special Agents D. Dodgers and
B. Bunny of the CIA.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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"Humor, We Have a Problem" and "Apollo 86"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
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Selected from 119 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 1, 2, HM list name (15th #1)
Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX -- 2
Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 2 (Hall of Famer)
Chun Ho, Honolulu, HI -- 3
Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA -- 5, 12
Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 5
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 6 (Hall of Famer)
Mark Schmidt, Paris, France -- 7 (Hall of Famer)
Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA -- 8
Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 9
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 10
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 11, Runner Up list name
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 13, Topic (Hall of Famer)
Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 14
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 15 (Hall of Famer)
Pam Howell, Williston, FL -- Banner tag
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor
David Bowie, Brixton, England -- Ambience
Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am011404.shtml
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~~~~ The ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day! ~~~~
Brains 4 Zombies
Brains, brains and more brains.
http://www.brains4zombies.com
Thanks to Gabrielle for the tip.
-=++=-
Ghosts!
Do they really exist? You betcha!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/ghosts.html
Thanks to LinkyDinky.com for the tip.
-=++=-
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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--==++ Rumination of the Day ++==--
I wonder how many people a year get lost in
a Ford Explorer or trapped within a Ford Escape.
I have plenty of time to think about things
like that since this is the third day I've been
buried under this snowbank in my Chevy Avalanche.
(Mark Mills)
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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--==++ TopFive's Comedy Cavalcade ++==--
Today: Current Events
White socks have been declared indecent by the Dutch Finance Ministry. A
ministry official confirmed a recent internal publication that proclaimed
white socks "transgress the limits of decent dress behavior" for ministry
employees. The Finance Minister is also pushing to make other articles of
clothing banned, such as shirts, pants and "other dirty unmentionables."
(Jason Leshchyshyn)
Former Enron chief financial officer Andrew Fastow and his wife have agreed
to plead guilty for their roles in the accounting scandal that rocked the
corporate world and brought down the energy giant. The plea bargain allows
the Fastows to avoid prison in return for testimony against former Enron CEO
Satan.
(Mike Ranston)
Sales of mobile phone ring tones, song recordings that are programmed into
cell phones, jumped 40 percent in the past year.
It seems that some cell phone owners have taken to using their ring tones as
weapons by downloading Barney's "I Love You" song.
(Jason Leshchyshyn)
Send Current Events submissions to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
----------------------------------------------
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
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George W. Bush Space Proposals
RUNNERS UP list -- Humor, We Have a Problem
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"Given the spotty success rate of various scientific probes sent there, we
must realize that the inspections don't work -- and thus we must launch a
preventative first strike against the Martians *now*!"
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)
"Whatever we do, make sure those NASA guys have to say 'Uranus' a lot.
[*snicker*]"
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)
Bring Neil Armstrong out of retirement so he can land on Mars again.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
Consistent with domestic policy, tax heat from the outermost planets and
transfer it to the one percent of objects closest to the sun.
(David E. Spiro, Hong Kong, China)
Drill for oil on the moon. Sure, there's probably none up there
-- but there aren't any stupid environmentalist hippies up there either!
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)
Finally give in to pleas, send a probe to check for survivors on Dennis
Kucinich's home planet.
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
Give Shatner a ship and order him to bring in a batch of those hot alien
babes.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Install a gigantic butt crack on the moon. Aim at Democrats.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)
Investigate how we can use the vacuum of space to develop more efficient
vacuum cleaner technology.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
Keep up astronaut morale by sending Elton John on each mission to perform
"Rocket Man."
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
More monkeys in orbit... who *doesn't* love monkeys in little space suits?
(Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN)
Rather than use public money to build a spaceship to Mars, just declare it a
U.S. state by November 2006 and tell Hillary the Senate seat is open.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)
Subliminate orbitalization of extra-spacialitized epogeeing.
(David E. Spiro, Hong Kong, China)
Unlimited green cheese = school lunches for all our country's less
privileged children.
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
Runner Up list name
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
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George W. Bush Space Proposals
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Apollo 86
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"We won't stop exploring the Milky Way until we discover the secret of
nougat."
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)
"We're gonna bomb Mars back into the Stone Age!"
(Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA)
"We're gonna land us a guy on one o' them planets with the dancin'
green wimmen."
(Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA)
Conduct scientific testing to compare belly-full-of-Tang to somersault
vomiting ratio.
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)
Develop a Martian Probe. About time we probed them back!
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Find that planet with the big talkin' apes.
(Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN)
Make our spaceships navigable by PowerBook, like in "Independence Day."
(Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)
Mate both Mars rovers; start a colony.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Open up the protected rings of Jupiter for oil drilling.
(Jennifer Ford, Fort Wayne, IN)
Real reason for obtaining Iraqi oil? Oil reserves needed to create enough
rubber for "Operation: Gigantic Sling Shot"
launching apparatus for moon launches.
(Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY)
Regime change on Venus -- the women are out!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Shine flashlight through one ear and see if the light comes out the other
ear.
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
To attract the votes of space enthusiasts, a new tax proposal will allow
massive deductions on the home improvements one makes to Mom and Dad's
basement.
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)
Track down and destroy potential Earth-colliding asteroids, which will be
referred to as "weapons of destructive mass."
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Veto Rod Paige's suggestion to redecorate in moon tones.
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
Honorable Mention list name
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
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