Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Sunday, January 18, 2004
Stress: a condition created when the brain overides the bodily
propensity to beat the living shit out of someone who needs it.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This is a good time to knock on wood. As you know, that's
a way of thanking the leprechauns for your recent good fortune. Or if
you can find some formica, knock on that - that thanks the mutant
sludge creature who is hiding under the stairs. It all depends who you
want on your side, I guess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at
the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving
turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song
about it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and
realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin.
You will find that intensely irritating.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a
gopher. You don't stand a chance.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door,
carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts.
Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today is an especially bad day to try something new
involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will
accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your
pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound
options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms
of involuntary noises, as well.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple
dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as
you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you
secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe
normally.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and
locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's
not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the
honey-roasted peanuts.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file
cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge."
This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will
often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
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[>>Charles<<]
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