Hey,
For all Monty Python fans out there:
Customer: Good Morning.
MS Office: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the MS Office!
Customer: Ah, thank you.
MS Office: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: I'd like a database please.
MS Office: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little dBase?
MS Office: I'm, a-fraid I'm fresh out of dBase, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Oracle?
MS Office: I'm afraid I never have that at the end of the week, sir, I get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of HSQLDB, if you please.
MS Office: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? , a flat file database?
MS Office: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Can I at least use Mozilla's address book?
MS Office: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Any ODBC, per chance.
MS Office: No.
Customer: ADO?
MS Office: No.
Customer: Adabas?
MS Office: No.
Customer: MDB?
MS Office: (pause) No.
Customer: LDAP address books?
MS Office: Not *today*, sir, no.
Customer: A spread sheet then?
MS Office: No.
Customer: You...do *have* a database, don't you?
MS Office: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's an office suite, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
MS Office: Fair enough.
Customer: PostgreSQL, perhaps?
MS Office: Ah! We have PostgreSQL, yessir.
Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
MS Office: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
MS Office: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch that database now!
MS Office: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
MS Office: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
MS Office: The NTFS file system ate it.
Customer: (pause) Has it?
MS Office: It's not a good file system.
Customer: Aah, how about MySQL?
MS Office: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular database in the world!
MS Office: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular database 'round hyah?MS Office: MS Access, sir.
Customer: IS it.
MS Office: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
MS Office: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh... MS Access, eh?
MS Office: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
MS Office: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnno. You need to upgrade to the "Professional" edition.
Customer: It's not much of an office suite, is it?
MS Office: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
MS Office: Well, it's so expensive, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by a database....
MS Office: (brightly) You haven't asked me about JDBC, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
MS Office: Could be....
PaperClip: It looks like you want to send an email.
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY PAPER CLIP OFF!
MS Office: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any JDBC?
MS Office: No.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me
MS Office: Yes sir?
Customer: Have you in fact got any database here at all.
MS Office: Yes,sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause) MS Office: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
MS Office: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
MS Office: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots MS Office.
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of disk space.
