Pretty close ... except the stupid paper clip isn't chiming in *nearly* often enough! ;-) Ni! -Greg
Date sent: Mon, 09 May 2005 07:12:45 -0400 From: Daniel Carrera <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: [email protected] > Hey, > > For all Monty Python fans out there: > > Customer: Good Morning. > > MS Office: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the MS Office! > > Customer: Ah, thank you. > > MS Office: What can I do for you, Sir? > > Customer: I'd like a database please. > > MS Office: Certainly, sir. What would you like? > > Customer: Well, eh, how about a little dBase? > > MS Office: I'm, a-fraid I'm fresh out of dBase, sir. > > Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Oracle? > > MS Office: I'm afraid I never have that at the end of the week, sir, I > get it fresh on Monday. > > Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of HSQLDB, if you please. > > MS Office: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting > it this morning. > > Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? , a flat file database? > > MS Office: Sorry, sir. > > Customer: Can I at least use Mozilla's address book? > > MS Office: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. > > Customer: Any ODBC, per chance. > > MS Office: No. > > Customer: ADO? > > MS Office: No. > > Customer: Adabas? > > MS Office: No. > > Customer: MDB? > > MS Office: (pause) No. > > Customer: LDAP address books? > > MS Office: Not *today*, sir, no. > > Customer: A spread sheet then? > > MS Office: No. > > Customer: You...do *have* a database, don't you? > > MS Office: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's an office suite, sir. We've got-- > > Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. > > MS Office: Fair enough. > > Customer: PostgreSQL, perhaps? > > MS Office: Ah! We have PostgreSQL, yessir. > > Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent. > > MS Office: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... > > Customer: Oh, I like it runny. > > MS Office: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. > > Customer: No matter. Fetch that database now! > > MS Office: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. > > Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all > speed. > > MS Office: Oooooooooohhh........! > > Customer: What now? > > MS Office: The NTFS file system ate it. > > Customer: (pause) Has it? > > MS Office: It's not a good file system. > > Customer: Aah, how about MySQL? > > MS Office: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. > > Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular database in the world! > > MS Office: Not 'round here, sir. > > Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular database 'round hyah? > > MS Office: MS Access, sir. > > Customer: IS it. > > MS Office: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire. > > Customer: Is it. > > MS Office: It's our number one best seller, sir! > > Customer: I see. Uuh... MS Access, eh? > > MS Office: Right, sir. > > Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the > answer 'no'. > > MS Office: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnno. You need to upgrade to > the "Professional" edition. > > Customer: It's not much of an office suite, is it? > > MS Office: Finest in the district! > > Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. > > MS Office: Well, it's so expensive, sir! > > Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by a database.... > > MS Office: (brightly) You haven't asked me about JDBC, sir. > > Customer: Would it be worth it? > > MS Office: Could be.... > > PaperClip: It looks like you want to send an email. > > Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY PAPER CLIP OFF! > > MS Office: Told you sir.... > > Customer: (slowly) Have you got any JDBC? > > MS Office: No. > > Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of > purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me > > MS Office: Yes sir? > > Customer: Have you in fact got any database here at all. > > MS Office: Yes,sir. > > Customer: Really? > > (pause) MS Office: No. Not really, sir. > > Customer: You haven't. > > MS Office: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. > > Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. > > MS Office: Right-0, sir. > > The customer takes out a gun and shoots MS Office. > > Customer: What a *senseless* waste of disk space. >
