David, It's me, David, from the future.
It's taken the better part of a decade to do this, but I'm sending this from the future to tell you... to tell me... that something awful has happened. Things haven't been the same since Tzar Zuckerberg of Facebook merged Wal-Mart with the Department of Defense, but aside from the general hardship of life in the year 2035, sending an e-mail back in time is just not an easy task. I won't go into all the details, but it took 1.21 jigalumens of LED light and a 17th generation Facebook Blackberry to do it. You wouldn't believe the inaccurate treatment of caving in all the movies and shows I watch on Facebook. I've compiled a spreadsheet of all the ones I've encountered and will be sending that back in time also, once I can stockpile enough AA batteries to do so. Getting back to the reason I'm sending this... It's me. I mean you. It's us, David. I've seen the error of our ways. Ever since the exodus of 2012, Texans don't cave anymore. Nobody knew about the trips anymore because everyone quit the TexasCavers e-mail list. If only they'd switched to Facebook. Tzar Zuckerberg's mandate of 2017 made it illegal to quit Facebook. They'd all still be connected, and we'd be caving right now, or at least talking on Facebook about caving trips a few of us went on in the 1970s. The point is that I ruined it. You ruined it. We spammed Facebook with the most banal off topic minutia of our life and everyone left. Once everyone was off the list, they all just forgot about caving all together. I, you, collected thousands of flashlights and headlamps for the day when caving came back, but it never did. It had been like a game figuring out how to make my mundane passing thoughts tangentially related to caving in whatever irrelevant manner possible. If I'd wanted to dispatch a manifesto on bathroom tissue, I would have, because bowel movements do not stop for caving, and one time, while caving, I thought I might need to make a burrito bag, but alas, I did not. The threat was real, though, this I assure you. What the e-mail list should have been used for all along is simply dispatching information about upcoming caving trips, sharing trip reports from recent caving trips, and hosting the occasional meaty conversation about a cave related topic such as cave geology, biology, safety, even a Werner Herzog film about a cave. It's time to stop using this e-mail list as a vanity fueled megaphone for our ramblings. Maybe our closest friends care about all we have to say, but those people out there on the e-mail list aren't all our closest friends. Many of them have never even met us. I see now that sending e-mails like that out just damages the community because we're running people off who might otherwise participate in this list if it weren't congested with our terrible posts. If we stop now, in the year 2011, which the great exodus looming, maybe caving can be saved. I really want to have a use for all these flashlights and headlamps. Although, on the topic of bathroom tissue, if you ever need any, I highly recommend Facebook Brand Bum Wipes. They're strong, and absorbent. I haven't had any of them tear on me yet. They could be softer, but I'll take utility over comfort any day. I've pushed the LIKE button on their Facebook page, and I recommend that all of you do too. David Locklear CEO of Natufest International, A subsidiary of The People's Republic of Facebook P.S. You all should really go on Facebook and download the new Wu-Tang single when it comes out in 2020. I listened to it the other day while looking at my old caving photos on Facebook (which makes it on topic) and it's really excellent. I never thought I'd like Classical Music, but the gunshot sound effects on this one really are sublime. Also, in the early nineties they were considered 'undgeround' and caving is an underground activity. So it's doubly on topic. P.P.S. I'm going to go Facebook my Facebook Facebook. Facebook.
