----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2006 7:56 AM
Subject: Fw: my son's lizard
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2006 7:57 AM
Subject: Fw: my son's lizard
See what you missed not having a son ++ Love ++
PCA
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, June 14, 2006 4:34 PM
Subject: my son's lizard
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview:
I had
to take my son's lizard to the vet.......Here's what happened:
Just
after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I
called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed
after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But
their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "I
thought we didn't want them to reproduce" I accused my wife.
"Well,
what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I
actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed
to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son
agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the
rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT
just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard
babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do
something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in
and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his
lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards
do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own
young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her
womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you
think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very
interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step
outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife
asked. > >"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, >that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a >young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male >species, they um....um.... masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on >hisback." > >He blushed, glancing
at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, >Mr.Cameron." > >We were silent, absorbing this. "So
Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife >offered. > >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that
we understood. More silence. > >Then my viscous, cruel wife
started to giggle. And giggle. And then even >laugh
loudly. > >"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I >married would commit the upcoming affront to
my flawless manliness. > >Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that... I'm picturing >you pulling on its...its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to >bellow in laughter once
more. > >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian
and hurriedly >bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything >was going to be okay. > >"I know Ernie's
really thankful for what you've done! , Dad," he told me. > >"Oh,
you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. > >2
- lizards - $140... > >1 - Cage - $50... > >Trip to
the Vet - $30... > >Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
pecker.......Priceless!!! > > Live Each Day to it's
fullest!! >
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