Vay is meer, that was FUNNY!
But I don't get #10 ??
re: #12, Joseph preceded the Xmas carol saying
"Have yourself a Mary little Christmas"
<hohoho>
-Ben
>HOLIDAY DISTINCTIONS
>
>1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love
>December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for
>Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening
>of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never
>know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to
>consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same
>calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish
>Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially
>in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
>
>2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same
>theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's
>eat.
>
>3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...
>Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works
>of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
>
>4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell
>Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
>
>5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their
>partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No
>one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
>
>6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah.
>Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good
>about not contributing to the energy crisis.
>
>7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....
>Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and
>dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the
>beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't
>Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
>
>8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
>cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods.
>A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home,
>as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
>
>9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and cut
>their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another
>reminder of our suffering through the ages.
>
>10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have
>no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
>
>11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as
>Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus,
>Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On
>the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are
>wonderfully versed in our history.
>
>12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph,
>Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her,
>and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink."
>
>13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The
>same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes
>sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about
>celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27
>hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your
>sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200
>per person.
>
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