-Caveat Lector-
AMERICAN PEOPLE RULED UNFIT TO GOVERN
April 20, 1999
WASHINGTON, DC--In a historic decision with major implications for
the future of U.S. participatory democracy, the Supreme Court ruled
8-1 Monday that the American people are unfit to govern.
The controversial decision, the first of its kind in the 210-year
history of U.S. representative government, was, according to Justice
David Souter, "a response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and
indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters concerning the
operation of this nation's government."
As a result of the ruling, the American people will no longer retain
the power to choose their own federal, state and local officials or
vote on matters of concern to the public.
"This decision was by no means easy, but it unfortunately had to be
done," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who penned the majority decision
in the case. "The U.S. Constitution is very clear: In the event that
the voting public becomes incapacitated or otherwise unfit to carry
out its duties of self-governance, there is a danger posed to the
republic, and the judicial branch is empowered to remove said public
and replace it with a populace more qualified to lead."
"In light of their unmitigated apathy toward issues of import to the
nation's welfare and their inability to grasp even the most basic
principles upon which participatory democracy is built, we found no
choice but to rule the American people unfit to govern at this time,"
Scalia concluded.
The controversial ruling, court members stressed, is not intended as
a slight against the character of the American people, but merely a
necessary measure for the public good.
"The public's right to the best possible representation is a founding
principle of our nation," Justice Sandra Day O'Connor told reporters.
"If you were on a jet airliner, you wouldn't want an untrained,
incompetent pilot at the controls, and this is the same thing. As
federal justices, we have taken a solemn oath to uphold every
citizen's constitutional rights, and if we were to permit an
irresponsible, disinterested public to continue to helm the ship of
state, we would be remiss in our duties and putting the entire nation
at risk."
The ruling brings to an end a grueling 10-month process, during which
more than 100 Supreme Court hearings were held to determine the
public's capacity for self-governance. Despite the fact that these
hearings were aired on C-SPAN, a majority of U.S. citizens were
unaware of them because coverage was largely eclipsed by the
Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, the retirement of NBA legend Michael
Jordan, and the release of Titanic on home video.
The Supreme Court found that, though 78 percent of U.S. citizens have
seen the much-anticipated Star Wars prequel trailer, only one in
200,000 were aware that the multibillion-dollar "Star Wars" missile-
defense system had been approved by Congress. Additionally, while 62
percent of citizens correctly identified the cast of Suddenly Susan,
only .01 percent were able to identify Attorney General Janet Reno
beyond "some woman Jay Leno always says looks like a man." Further,
only .0003 percent could correctly identify the ancient Greek
city-state of Athens as the birthplace of the concept of an educated
citizenry participating in democratic self-rule.
But the final straw, Supreme Court justices said, came last week when
none of the 500,000 random citizens polled were aware that Russian
President Boris Yeltsin had threatened global thermonuclear war in
response to NATO air attacks in Yugoslavia.
"I mean, come on," Justice William Rehnquist said. "Global
thermonuclear war? It's just ridiculous. There was just no way we
could trust such a populace to keep running things after that."
Populations currently being considered to fill the leadership void
until the American people can be rehabilitated and returned to self-
governance include those of Switzerland, Sweden and Canada.
"I'm willing to do what I can to help out in this time of crisis and
make sure that my vote counts," said Stockholm resident Per
Johanssen. "I've been reading up on America a bit, just to get a
general idea of what needs to be done, and from what I can tell, they
really need some sort of broad-based health-care reform over there
right away."
In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian province of
Saskatchewan will hold primaries next Tuesday to re-evaluate last
fall's gubernatorial election in Minnesota.
The lone dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony Kennedy, who, in
his minority opinion wrote, "Although the American people are clearly
unable to make responsible decisions at this time, it is not their
fault that they are so uninformed. Rather, the blame lies with the
media interests and corporate powers that intentionally keep them in
the dark on crucial issues."
Kennedy concluded his opinion by tendering his immediate resignation
and announcing his intent "to move to a small island somewhere."
Thus far, reaction to the ruling has been largely indifferent.
"The people ruled unfit to govern? Yeah, I I think I might've heard
something about that," said Covington, KY, sales representative Neil
Chester. "I think I saw it on the news or something, when I was
flipping past trying to find that show about the lady sheriff."
"If you ask me, voting was a big pain anyway," agreed mother of four
Sally Heim of Augusta, ME. "At least now I'm free to do my
soap-opera-trivia crossword puzzles in peace, without all that
distraction about who's running for Second District Alderperson and
what-not."
Despite the enormous impact the ruling would seem to have, many
political experts are downplaying its significance.
"It doesn't really change anything, to be honest," said Duke
University political-science professor Benjamin St. James. "The
public hasn't made any real contributions to the governance of the
country in decades, so I don't see how this ruling affects all that
much."
"I wouldn't worry about it," St. James added. "It's not that
important." �Copyright 1999
Onion, Inc.
Without Justice there is JUST_US!
http://esotericworldnews.com/apfn.htm
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