Oh Dark Lord, I have served thee faithfully in mocking the pure and good TM movement (Now Vedic Conglomerates Incorporated) but I ask you to release me from this unholy mission today. It seems that the TM movement itself (Also known as The Kingdom of King Tony and his indentured servant pundit boy choir) has taken to providing its own satire that I cannot hope to improve. So I beseech thee to release me from my dark errand of smudging those of unstained hearts with my foul words...what was that...oh I see, no more guitar for me if I fail? Gotcha chief. I'll see what I can do...
> Due to the special nature of the afternoon celebration, there are > certain points that the Vedic Pandits have requested be made: Nice one guys! Maharishi's unquestioned authority has not been replaced by the "Vedic Pundits." Pay not attention to the many men behind the barbed wire fences... Let's see what is on their minds today, through translation of course... > > Afternoon Celebration > > Program badges: > A current program badge will be required for entrance to the Dome. > Young people without badges should enter with their parents. Wow those pundits got up to speed fast didn't they! Must be a Vedic thing and I just don't understand. The mixing of absolute authority of the pundits religious superstitions with some guy in the movement is complete. Now any announcement about anything is Vedic backed and certified satvic and don't you worry your pretty little heads about a God damn thing sonny boy, not a God damn thing. <sniped the "sit down" part> But left in the and "shut up" part. > Before the performances begin, it is best to sit in silence or meditate. > > Offerings: > Everyone is invited to bring 2-3 whole washed organic fruits Uh huh. organic fruit is all that the dead Guru can take. Organic, certified from Whole Food market. Organic. that > will be offered by the Vedic Pandits (and which they will enjoy > afterwards as gifts from our community). I was wrong, it is the pundits who require the organic fruit. Uh huh. The guys with no Winter coats can't accept any fruit grown with chemical fertilizer, you know, the kind I eat. > Everyone is also invited to bring flowers as is our tradition--but > this year only the blossoms should be brought, with the stems and > leaves removed ahead of time. Nice waste removal solution, very practical. I wonder if the lack of stems was pre-approved by the Vedic tradition? > The fruit and flowers will be collected upon entering the Dome to be > given to the Vedic Pandits for the offerings. I am sooooo getting my fruit at Food Lyon in the "extra chemical" cheap section. Once it is in with the goodie goodie's organic high brow fruit, who is gunna know? In fact I'm going straight to the discount bin and am gunna hide the brown blotched "on their way to fruit butter" misfits in my Vedic hanky. > > Dress: > In keeping with the special character of Guru Purnima in the Vedic > calendar, everyone should wear their most dignified dress. OK, I'm glad you dogged me into this one Beazelbub! This is going to be fun. "Dignified" a word that could mean so many things depending on your culture. Or can it? > > Ladies should wear saris or long dresses or long skirts (no pants or > punjabis) Hillary...sorry babe. I had to look up punjabis. Here is the offending garment: http://www.indianattire.com/Short-Kurta-Pants.asp Nasty stuff isn't it? So undignified. Unlike say any other top a chick might wear over her long dress. So different. And what is more dignified then a bunch of Western chicks walking like men in their Halloween Hindu costume saris? and completely cover their heads and shoulders with the > sari or shawls/scarves in the Dome--to be dressed properly for a > Vedic performance. I sense the full purdah look coming! Those temptresses must be covered up to avoid any pundit boners and I think it might be appropriate for some Mullahs to enforce this rule with sticks. I happen to know where we can get some enthusiastic enforcers of such rules on the cheap. > > Men should wear coat and tie or a dress kurta with nice pants. "Nice" pants. And let's see where this Vedic approved Kurta comes from that is soooo different from the blasphemous lady's punjabis: "The men's dress kurta pajama is a comfortable flowing outfit for casual relaxation. The style stays traditional from when they were introduced by the Mughals." So the chicks can't wear the modern top of the working Indian woman who doesn't find the traditional sari practical, but the dudes can post up with their casual pajamas as long as it has some gold embroidery no doubt to distinguish it from what they wear to bed. Nice one, keep da biaaatches in line. You see the Vedic pundits will pitch an anti-Vedic "tent" in their dhotis if they see lady's arms. But that brings up another question: What about the gay pundits? Certainly in such a large group was would expect some to follow the path of the Cher impersonators? What if they see the men's arms in their jammies and dwell overlong on the bulging definition of the muscular arms of the male sidhas...oh wait...I forgot. Unless the iron pumping Rick Archer shows up (and they aren't gunna give him a badge) there won't be an bulging muscles to contaminate the dome with a South Beach vibe. Cool. > No one should wear anything made of leather into the Dome (after > removing shoes as usual in the shoe areas) such as belts, wallets, > watchbands, or purses. Exempted with be dog collars worn as is traditional by submissives, as long as they are accompanied by their masters. (all ball gags should be rubber only) What you thought I was gunna miss a chance for a ball gag joke? Not a chance! > > Length of celebration: > The celebration will last approximately 3 hours. Thank God for my IPOD... Once the celebration > has begun, we have been asked that people only enter and leave the > Dome during the break around 1:45 pm or at the end. Middle age men with enlarged prostates had better be taking their medication. > > Children: > We have been asked that young children not attend. At last! Can this be extended to all restaurants in the DC area? Youths and young > adults who can comfortably sit and enjoy this extended Yagya > performance are very welcome. And now for the big payoff! The material so good I'm gunna have to dig deep to add to it: > > Ladies' consideration: > As is the Vedic tradition, ladies who are pregnant or having their > monthly cycle should not attend. I was hired to check all ladies on a case by case basis. Hotties I suggest you wear your best Victoria Secret cuz I'm gunna be thorough. > > > We look forward to seeing you on Friday, and celebrating this very > special Guru Purnima together as one family. "non menstruating, un knocked up, organic-only, non punjabis-wearing head covered family that is" > Jai Guru Dev Badda bing badda boom!> >
