---In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, <no_re...@yahoogroups.com> wrote :
I guess I do come off as "blaming" more than I should. Cuz, hey, Willy's right that if I had had any integrity, I would never have allowed myself to be, what?, abused? by the TMO. But, hey, again, TM was SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME THAT INTEGRITY! I was and am still easily interpreted as wacko -- depends on the frame through which you're looking at my stuff. From some frames, I pass muster, but others.....yessh. I never had a good plan for life -- always just running to the next safe place where I could maybe get my shit together. Always with exigencies pushing me down the road instead of following my bliss. Fingers always crossed that the technique would change me before everyone found out how thick the mask I wore was. I really was a true believer for a while there, and during that time, THEN, how the TMO handled me could be described as fraudulent, abusive, etc. When I put my faith in you -- give you personal power over me as I did with Maharishi -- the betrayals are all the more bitter....because, of course, it is so hard to clearly take ownership of ones part in the debacle. After 5 - 8 years, all the initiations, ATRs, yeah, from then on, it was me "holing up" and "hiding out from real life" to a great degree. By then I'd seen clearly that the assholes of the movement were merely normal assholes that had come the to movement and had never been psychologically improved, and never would be improved fast enough to justify bending a knee to their non-enlightened "intent to do Maharishi's work." But by then, I knew myself enough to know I didn't resonate with the "normal life" offerings extant, and so the years flowed past as I waited and hoped I'd get the clarity to target something better...or at least more attainable than enlightenment. Meanwhile the kids were in a school that I could trust more than a public school, I had a dozen irons in the fire for making money in FF, and I had a nice social life and community. There were no other places for me-in-my-fix to go. Or so I thought....as time passed, karma came and forced me into various "partial" clarities. And of course, anyone evolves given decades of life processing, so all the issues of being in the cult were very transformative as much as any other kind of life would have been. This wisdom-via-aging is then very hard to separate from "wisdom gained because of TM." -- and the TMO of course took credit for the least titch of anyone's improvements. Grrrrrrrrr. Great post.
