Marissa,
I'm so sorry. My eyes filled with tears when I read your news this
morning. I had such high hopes for a miracle for you and your Slinky
boy. I know you haven't come to this decision lightly and that the only
reason you would even consider this is to spare him any unnecessary
suffering. MC has a quote that has given me comfort, something about it
being better to let them go a day too soon than an hour too late.
I have been on both sides of this terrible coin; waiting with hope only
to have them suffer, and living afterward with the fear that I made the
decision to help them cross too soon. No matter what we do in these
circumstances we may be plagued by the possibility that we did the wrong
thing, (the dreaded "what ifs"). I just wanted to let you know that I
understand, and that I don't believe that it is possible to do "the
wrong thing" when these hard decisions are made from our hearts. When
we lose the hope of recovery, then letting them go is the last gift of
love we can bestow on them. The last act of protection we can provide.
I had such terrible regrets when I helped my Jazzy cross, but in the
weeks that followed I found myself replacing my self-recriminations with
acceptance. Even if I hadn't made the decision I did, she most likely
would have been gone by then. Finally, I was able to forgive myself,
not so much for the decisions I made, but for not being able to control
the circumstances of our time together. I was able to forgive myself
for not being able to save her. At least I can know that because I made
the decision I did, when I did, her suffering was not prolonged. I know
that she knows I will always love her, that I'm grateful for the time
she graced my life and that no matter how many tears I shed, I will
never be sorry I took her in. I can rest easier knowing that my sweet
bottle baby, whom I had protected and nurtured from the time I became
her surrogate mom, never had a moment of fear or want. Not even at the
end of her all too short life.
I'm glad that you've made it possible to spend this time in Slinky's
company. With how hard you've both fought, with all you and your family
have done for your darling Slink, I'm praying that you will be spared
the torture of any "what ifs". Hold that angel close and know that he
has worked his way into all our hearts.
Much love to you,
Nina
Marissa Johnson wrote:
Thanks for that reminder Phaewryn. I've actually been able to
postpone tomorrow's meeting (my boss had asked if I wanted to this
morning because I've been sick, but like a dope I said I'd be
okay!...but I was able to call everyone and tell them we're postponing
it. I think it's for the best all the way around). So I've made the
appointment for tomorrow evening at 6:40 - the last appointment of the
day - and have found a friend to go with me.
I can't believe I'm doing this. It seems so...FINAL. And I guess it
is, but...wow. I know it's what's best but that doesn't make it any
easier.
Anyway, Slink and I have the rest of tonight and all of tomorrow to be
with each other. Thanks again for all your support!
MJ
