Gratitude goes an awful long way in helping one appreciate one's own life.
It is easy to get stuck on 'what might have been' or 'I wish that hadn't
happened' or 'i wish I'd had more or 'i wish I had been loved' or 'i wish i was
slimmer', 'wish i had musleces' 'good looks' or 'wish I was popular' or 'had
more money' or and the list goes on and on.
Not very helpful really!
But to remind yourself of what you have got is good and positive and it helps to
lift the spirit. No matter how awful things are, there is always soemthing to be
grateful for.
I remember many years ago when life was much much more diffiuclt, and I had
nowhere to live and no one to care for me, lived on the streets but ALWAYS with
a roof over my head. I was always amazed at how I manged to get a bed for the
night, or a floor, but indoors!.
The street people, those I'd always been taught were scum and wicked, the
prostitutes, male and female, the addicts, the drunks, the abused-they took care
of me. I was laways aware of how lucky I was. But more than that, I was taken
care of. I was part of a group of people who were rent boys and girls. We hung
out at a particulalr club. I was protected. If any man dared to approach me he
was seen off. I was told in no uncertain terms that I did not want to join thier
game, that it wasn't for me. That if I did, it would be the end of me.
To this day it amazes me that these people were so protective of me, that they
knew it would destroy me if i sold myself. yet this is how they themselves
survived. They kept me on the straight and narrow till my life changed.
The years of being victim thru ignorance to the psych profession, their pills
and potions-rescued by people who undertsood and knew better.
Most of all being loved by John and at a time when I felt I was not loveable.
After all, if your own parents don't love you, you must not be loveable. It
would be easy now to feel self pity for having no family. Yet instead I see the
great freedom that gives me.
I used to feel ashamed that i did not work, had never been capable, that I gave
nothing. Now I feel so damned lucky that i don't do anything I don't want, that
I please myself what i do for the day.
That I am free from ahbving to achieve, having to prove myself worhty. that i
can be a human being and not a human doing. Lucky that indeed i do 'work' but at
what i love doing so it isn't work. I have John, our home, the dogs, my
designing and a few really good, trustworthy friends. I used to want to be part
of the group, to be accpeted and liked. In order to do that, i was quite willing
to be whatever you wanted me to be. I am now so grateful I am myself and
grateful I found the strength for that.
As well as John, I am grateful, more than I can say, for Roger, the therapist
who listened to me and loved me and enabled me to grow and live with my past.
This list is another thing I am so grateful for(and the pc that brought it into
my life). thru the list I discovered that i was not bad, stupid, ignorant and
useless. That I am as imperfect as everyone else. Thru the list i discovered
that there were good and kind people out there in the world who gave to me
without wanting anything. Who reminded that whilst my past was awful, there had
been knindesses that saw me thru. Enabled me to remember the good that had been
in my life. Also the gift of being able to say what i really feel, to really
communicate. I have made close connections with some people, we share of
ourselves and probably in a way that face to face we never would have. So yes I
am more than grateful for this. Those people know who they are and know that we
have shared deeply and that I have grown so much as a result.
Even those with whom there has been tension and unkindness have helped me grow.
I have learned how not to be. i have seen all the faults we humans are prone to
there in my face, helped me see my own.
All in all gratitude is a very positive thing.
bw
colin
