Dear Colin:
I am always so glad when you and other JMDL folk share something of
themselves. I believe this sort of sharing is in the very best
tradition of Joni...which as Ken in SF once told me is how Joni moved
into our souls. I am glad you are alive Colin...the world is richer for
your presence.
Love and Peace.......Sharon
colin wrote:
>
> Gratitude goes an awful long way in helping one appreciate one's own life.
> It is easy to get stuck on 'what might have been' or 'I wish that hadn't
> happened' or 'i wish I'd had more or 'i wish I had been loved' or 'i wish i was
> slimmer', 'wish i had musleces' 'good looks' or 'wish I was popular' or 'had
> more money' or and the list goes on and on.
> Not very helpful really!
> But to remind yourself of what you have got is good and positive and it helps to
> lift the spirit. No matter how awful things are, there is always soemthing to be
> grateful for.
>
> I remember many years ago when life was much much more diffiuclt, and I had
> nowhere to live and no one to care for me, lived on the streets but ALWAYS with
> a roof over my head. I was always amazed at how I manged to get a bed for the
> night, or a floor, but indoors!.
> The street people, those I'd always been taught were scum and wicked, the
> prostitutes, male and female, the addicts, the drunks, the abused-they took care
> of me. I was laways aware of how lucky I was. But more than that, I was taken
> care of. I was part of a group of people who were rent boys and girls. We hung
> out at a particulalr club. I was protected. If any man dared to approach me he
> was seen off. I was told in no uncertain terms that I did not want to join thier
> game, that it wasn't for me. That if I did, it would be the end of me.
> To this day it amazes me that these people were so protective of me, that they
> knew it would destroy me if i sold myself. yet this is how they themselves
> survived. They kept me on the straight and narrow till my life changed.
> The years of being victim thru ignorance to the psych profession, their pills
> and potions-rescued by people who undertsood and knew better.
> Most of all being loved by John and at a time when I felt I was not loveable.
> After all, if your own parents don't love you, you must not be loveable. It
> would be easy now to feel self pity for having no family. Yet instead I see the
> great freedom that gives me.
> I used to feel ashamed that i did not work, had never been capable, that I gave
> nothing. Now I feel so damned lucky that i don't do anything I don't want, that
> I please myself what i do for the day.
> That I am free from ahbving to achieve, having to prove myself worhty. that i
> can be a human being and not a human doing. Lucky that indeed i do 'work' but at
> what i love doing so it isn't work. I have John, our home, the dogs, my
> designing and a few really good, trustworthy friends. I used to want to be part
> of the group, to be accpeted and liked. In order to do that, i was quite willing
> to be whatever you wanted me to be. I am now so grateful I am myself and
> grateful I found the strength for that.
> As well as John, I am grateful, more than I can say, for Roger, the therapist
> who listened to me and loved me and enabled me to grow and live with my past.
> This list is another thing I am so grateful for(and the pc that brought it into
> my life). thru the list I discovered that i was not bad, stupid, ignorant and
> useless. That I am as imperfect as everyone else. Thru the list i discovered
> that there were good and kind people out there in the world who gave to me
> without wanting anything. Who reminded that whilst my past was awful, there had
> been knindesses that saw me thru. Enabled me to remember the good that had been
> in my life. Also the gift of being able to say what i really feel, to really
> communicate. I have made close connections with some people, we share of
> ourselves and probably in a way that face to face we never would have. So yes I
> am more than grateful for this. Those people know who they are and know that we
> have shared deeply and that I have grown so much as a result.
> Even those with whom there has been tension and unkindness have helped me grow.
> I have learned how not to be. i have seen all the faults we humans are prone to
> there in my face, helped me see my own.
>
> All in all gratitude is a very positive thing.
>
> bw
> colin
