Thanks, Kay, for taking the time to send us this. Happy Birthday to you
and may you have many many more!!!
I held my breath while reading what you've written. I am so happy to
learn of all the miracles that occurred that day. It doesn't take away
the pain and the huge loss, but it does give a bit of relief, a chance
to be thankful and a chance to look at each other in a new way.
I, too, am feeling that it's time to put all squabbles away, and see all
and everyone bathed in a golden light, all is forgiven, all is in
harmony, knowing even while I wish for that that it's not real, it's not
being fully human. There will always be disagreements between people and
having the willingness to work them out is one of the beauties of being
human, I think, because when they're worked out it means change and
growth have occurred and that's what we're here for, what we're built to
do with this brain and heart of ours. So while I can fully comprehend
all you've said and feel also the feelings behind your words, my
thoughts and feelings today go in another direction.
All of my siblings and parents, cousins, uncles and aunts are in
Virginia or farther South, a place I've not lived in for over 20 years,
and feel little connection to now. My brother's work involves having TVs
on all the time. When we talked on the phone, I was in tears hearing
what it was like for him seeing the towers fall as it happened and
knowing I worked in that area and not knowing exactly where I was or if
I was at work that day since my schedule changes so often. After all my
years of being here in NYC, my family is very good about not assuming
the worst. I've told them countless times that "there are millions of
people in this city so if you hear about one or two bad things
happening, keep in mind the number of people and how it's very unlikely
it will involve me." Tuesday's horror made it very hard for them to hold
onto that idea. I haven't talked to my brother in a long time, a year
maybe, not because of any disagreements or bad feelings, just because
neither of us got around to calling. I'm in touch more often with my
sisters, but again not regularly, and talking to them was a similar
emotional experience. One of them had gotten the message through the
grapevine that I was ok and she left a message on my answering machine
that she knew I was ok but please call because she just wanted to hear
my voice. A very simple thing. Something we've all taken for granted,
being able to hear each other's voice.
My family is very good at covering over disagreements, being nice no
matter what we're feeling, keeping in negative thoughts, all things that
on first look seem to be admirable. It's certainly quieter than hashing
things out. After years of trying to fight through that veneer I learned
to also keep quiet with them and seek support and love elsewhere. The
result is a disconnectedness from my family, a diminishment of each of
us because we're not expressing who we truly are, and by doing that we
not only lose the chance to learn about each other, but about ourselves
too. It's hard to feel deeply about someone, including one's self, if
you don't know their essence. Respect, that's easy, appreciation, that's
an "of course", even love is an "of course" because we're family. The
gut wrenching love I felt when talking to my brother and he wasn't for
the first time keeping it all in, that's new and that's precious, and
the pain of that is worth more than all the years of glossing over could
ever be.
I take such thoughts and apply them to our Joni family, too, so even
though it's noisy sometimes here, even though the squabbles can be
annoying especially to people not directly involved, and they can seem
to take forever to be resolved, it's important stuff. It shows us all
who we are. It can make us better if we let ourselves be affected by it.
In any relationship it's always a tough call as to which disagreements
to struggle through noisily and which to let go, and people will have
different views about that, leading to disagreements within
disagreements and so much confusion it can become intolerable to some.
Sometimes, though, working through a disagreement even if it's
unpleasant or painful... at some point it must be done in order to go on
honestly. To just cover over throws away all growth, all chance to
become closer to each other and closer to knowing ourselves too. To
struggle through together can result in a harmony that's genuine and not
just a wishful golden patina; even though such a patina can be
stunningly beautiful, it's not as lasting as having the golden glow
coming from inside us. That is something to strive for, I think, working
toward that golden glow within us all and helping each other to get
there, and the path to that will probably often be noisy and is rarely smooth.
Anyway such are my thoughts on this rainy New York day.
Love to you all,
Debra Shea
NP: Children teasing each other outside and a plane overhead, with the
sound disappearing into the distance. Things are going to be all right
again, not as they were before, but eventually they'll be all right.
Kay Ashley wrote:
>
> Thanks to all the listers who have posted/called me privately to express
> their relief that I'm OK and to express their condolences, especially Ric,
> Patrick and Roberto, whom I haven't had the time/brain space to answer
> individually. The last few days have been very hard. I've learned of many
> miracles and also many tragedies. It seems that Divine Providence or
> Something had a hand in many people's lives on Tuesday morning -- the number
> of people I know who were running late, overslept, etc., etc., is amazing to
> me... there was some special energy helping people along, gently nudging
> them out of the way of the most intense danger. As it stands now, "only"
> about 4700 people are unaccounted for. That in itself is miraculous. It
> could have been 25,000 or more.
