My dear friends. I need your help or at the very least your support. As I have told you all before I live in oblivion, very rural. Homophobic and backward. This might not be the arena in which to expess this but I am very upset and alone and have no one to turn to. My homosexuality is not something that I am ashamed of and when I lived in the city I hid it from no one. Can't do that here, it would get me killed, not to mention make me completely unemployable and ruin what life I have. I am here taking care of my elderly parents or would have left years ago. Guess you could say that I am in the closet here though I plead with you to not judge me or my decisions concerning this for I can only do what I feel is right. Years ago when I was younger I was in a parked car with another guy. 19 years old I was. We were exploring sexually. I make no excuses and should have known better but was just looking for love. Some may laugh at my stupidity et/or my plight though it was and is not funny for me. We weren't doing much but a policeman pulled up and then we were arrested. Being from a middle class family and having never been in any kind of trouble I was very scared. It did not help that they were less than kind in interrogating us in the middle of the area. Handcuffed me and off to jail we went. The scene was out of a movie for me. They booked me, fingerprinted me, and told me that I had two options. Plead guilty and get out with a fine or go to court. The latter was made to sound as if I would be convicted for sure and then be sent to prison. My naivete' and fear took over and I opted to plead guilty. I called a friend and he bailed me out. I did not know how stupid my decision was for I have been saddled with a record ever since. Homosexual conduct. Not real easy to get jobs when the employers read that. They don't even give you a chance. Pervert, wierdo, sicko, fag, homo. The arresting officer told me that if I had been with a girl, they would have just sent us home. But I wasn't. I was with a boy, showing love. How terrible. How awful. How wrong. It didn't feel wrong and I have never once felt as if I was doing anything wrong that night. I am a nurse and a good one. I have worked at my job for 12 years now and have accomplished much in this little town. The facility was sold today. The new owner made it a point to say he would be conducting criminal checks. You can imagine the horror that went through me. Sure, in a perfect world I could stand up and say that it is no problem. I could defiantly state my homosexuality and they could be damned. Not in central Texas. Not in this little town. When they find out, they will destroy me. I would imagine that termination will be the first order of business. Then they will spread the news across the town like wildfire. Though a strong person, I am afraid. I don't know what to do. What am I going to do with my parents? They will be humiliated to the utmost degree. I don't really care what they think about me, not ashamed of who I am but don't know what to do next. Jobs for perverts are not easy to find around here and that is exactly what they consider people like me. I am looking everywhere inside my soul for an answer, for strength, for direction. I know that ultimately the decisions that I have to make are entirely my own but that doesn't make them any easier. This will seem ever so silly to those of you who live in parts of the world where homosexuals have options but that is not here. Please be thinking of me as I face my own struggle. I needed to vent and you have allowed me to do so. Thank you.
Mack
