----- Original Message ----- From: Mags N Brei <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; kakki <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Friday, June 07, 2002 3:07 PM Subject: Re: through the wall (njc)
> Kakki wrote: > > <<I think she is speaking from some deep hurt that > > apparently she cannot transcend. Don't mean to psychoanalyze her - > > just my 2 cents. >> > > and in response, Bob M. wrote: > > > > <<I don't think you're psychoanalyzing at all, Kakki...it's > difficult, > > probably impossible, to care about an artist's work and not care > > about the artist as well, particularly when she has "sondtracked" so > > many life experiences for a lot of us. I feel like we all like to > > revel in her victories and are sympathetic in her sorrows. And I > > think (like Lama so poignantly described) that her relationship with > > her daughter and her mother has been such a powerful driver for her > > all along, I think a lot of what factors into her bitterness is the > > conflicted relationship with Kilauren.>> > > I am stopped in my emotional tracks each and every time this issue > arises on the list. I am motivated to write today because I am > particularly drawn to Kakki's descripton of Joni's deep hurt, as well > as the "conflicted relationship with Kilauren" part of your post Bob. > > The experience of losing a child to adoption, and the effects thereof, > are life long and deep. Unspeakable. They don't go away, especially > when reunion takes place. Reunion does not create that place of > instantaneous healing or bonding whatsoever. > > Imagine what that might feel like, knowing that you are about to meet > the baby-now-adult you gave up many years ago, when, at the time, you > were told you could get on with your life, that you were doing that > "right" thing, that you would indeed "get over it", that you would > never see them again. Ever. And here you are climbing those stairs, a > cold fear moves through you like a damp fog, rolling and rolling > through each and every cell, each and every memory. You know into each > and every step you take, you know. You know they are sitting at that > table at the restaurant. You know they arrived while you were > downstairs to make that one last phonecall to gather up some last > minute reassurance because you are so scared you just might explode > into a million little pieces...and how do you know they have arrived. > You just do. Reunion is like that. Magic. Knowing. > > In the moments prior to that first meeting, a visit, rather a head on > collision with fear, like none Ive ever known, occurs. The fear inside > is unbelievable. Unspeakable. Painful. A vortex of 'what ifs' swirl > madly inside, all the while you are trying to be present as this calm, > cool grown up woman who 'made a mistake', and who really had 'no > choice'. All of a sudden you become that young woman, again. And you > cannot speak. Frozen in time. Staring, mesmerized by the image of your > self in a perfect and beautiful stranger. Haunting moment. > > To give up an infant and then so many years later, meet that baby > turned adult is one of the most powerful, overwhelming, terrifying > things I have ever done. There is no way that you can ever be prepared. > Ever. You can logic it all out neatly, you can tell yourself, oh yes, I > had no choice, what else could I do. > > Joni didnt even tell her own parents, which was my experience as well. > There are so many layers and levels of complicit secrecy and when it > all comes out into the open, all hell breaks loose emotionally. And on > it goes. It never stops. Reunion has a life of its own. > > Having been there, I can only begin to imagine what it might have been > and continues to be like for Joni, especially because she is so > exposed, so much in the limelight, or the floodlights at times. I feel > for her and for Kilauren, having to go through this the public > microscope. > > I write from this place of the very personal with the hope that I can > bring understanding to Joni's experience. (I am shaking like a leaf as > I write, and yes, the tears still fall, twenty seven years later). So > you see, I can understand. I get it. Losing a child to adoption affects > her. How can it not. She wears it like she wears her skin, it is a part > of her very soul. It is imprinted into each and every cell. It has to > be. > > The pain of losing a child to adoption does not go away. Reunion brings > joy, absolutely, and it also brings up old pain as well as new and it > rolls over and over you, especially at those signifiers of maple trees > breaking free each and every spring, or the colour blue. > > That old pain flies up in your face like it was yesterday. Some of the > answers to a thousand questions screamed in silence for years and years > appear in fragments. And many do not, because you dare not ask. > > Knowing is better than not knowing. However, how do you reconcile who > this person is to you. You are not their 'mother'..they did not grow up > knowing you as that. You remember the baby, and here is this adult > 'stranger' who sets off all kinds of biological alarms inside you. And > how do you fit into the scheme of things with the person who is their > mother. You throw up your hands and wonder, now what. Try to create > something new, but what. Thanks for bearing with this. Every so often, > I need to break the silence. > > Jezebel. Life sentence. > > > Mags > > > > > > > > ===== > You open my heart, you do. > Yes you do. > - JM > Yahoo! - Official partner of 2002 FIFA World Cup > http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com > --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.370 / Virus Database: 205 - Release Date: 05/06/02
