I am sending this to my friends on the Joni Mitchell Discussion List and a few other friends - I can't keep writing this over and over again, I can only do it once, and anyone in the JMDL who thinks I write boring drivel, delete now and read no further.
I have just returned from dancing on the stage at a local bar to Linkin Park's "In the End" and now you know that really is not like me... well, dancing is, and singing along in the crowd is, but not me singing the song while dancing on stage... It would take me 6 months of daily sessions with a therapist to unpack every emotion that I felt today/tonight watching Amy, Gage's mom, marry Mike and then celebrating at the reception and then following the party to the local night spot (and it really was the first time in 22 years of living in Greenville that I have ever been to this bar, or any Greenville bar, after midnight - well, after 10 pm, actually, and only the 2nd time in a local bar after 8 pm). Amy was the most beautiful bride - really - she is very elegant and wore the most classically stunningly simple and beautiful wedding gown - and Gage in his tux, can't describe, he looked like he was born to wear a tuxedo... and he and I together, I didn't wear my tux but I wore my next best set of formal evening wear and we looked so very good together! And Gage gave me the ultimate compliment of being my best buddy, by my side, from the moment I arrived at the church until he left the reception to spend the night with one of his other grandparents. And I was *not* feeling that it was too bad it was not my son marrying Amy, hell, Jeremy fucked that over a long time ago by being such an asshole to Amy and Gage. I love Amy dearly and I was near tears so many times today because she was so radiantly happy to be marrying Mike - and I really adore Mike, he was been so good to Amy, so good to both my grandsons, Gage and Brady, and on top of that, he had the class to select Neil Young's "Harvest Moon" as the wedding couple's song - what more can you want? I love Mike - even though he is a Michigan State fan -:) He has even left Gage be a Michigan fan for my sake, not working on him when I'm not around! All I have wanted for years is to see Amy happy, to see Gage have a daddy, to see Amy and Gage and Brady with someone who is so good to them - if anything has stayed my hand from making any decisions about what I do next, it has been my desire to let nothing interfere with this day, to let this day be as glorious and wonderful as it was. And you know what - I couldn't even get through the reception line, I was so choked up with joy - Amy looked at me and said, "don't cry" because she knew how happy I was because she was so happy - I lost my sons a long time ago but I have had this beautiful daughter and my beautiful grandsons and now my beautiful new son - but this is a small town, and my entire past was at the wedding reception, except of course my ex-wife and my sons and my former partner, but more than enough people commented on them to more than make up for their absence, and for all the shit that happened when my marriage dissolved, the mistreatment that I suffered from the church, I had enough people there commenting about that, and about every aspect of my life, what a wonderful grandfather I am even though I am a (fill in the blank) and how I was a part of the family even though I am a (fill in the blank) and I danced with Gage's cousin Aubrey several times (she's 9) and as usual I was the local Pied Piper since all the kids love me - kids and dogs love me, if nothing else existed in the world my life would be perfect - but then I take time with each of the kids, talking to them, teaching them dance moves, having Pokemon card packets in my pocket, and this new card craze, can't spell it, but I had the cards... and I danced with all the various female relatives who populate the extended family of divorced and remarried and redivorced and re re married people - it gets way complex, I sat at the wedding with Gage's half-brother Brady's paternal grandmother and her boyfriend, and sat at the reception with Amy's father and his third wife, as well as Amy's mother's sister, chatted with Amy's mother's second husband and Amy's father's second (but not current) wife - and all I head over and over was it was just too bad that I am a (fill in the blank) because if I wasn't a (fill in the blank) I would be the perfect husband for name-your-family-member or that of course the church wouldn't have treated me so badly if I hadn't been a (fill in the blank) and while some people cared then that I was a (fill in the blank) they don't care now that I am a (fill in the blank) - and it was such a shame what my ex-wife did and how she kept my sons from me because I am a (fill in the blank) and how my ex-wife and son opposed my having anything to do with Gage because I am a (fill in the blank) but what a wonderful grandfather and family member I have been even though I am a (fill in the blank) and why do I have to be a (fill in the blank) because then we could all be so happy... I'm such a fun guy, such a good grandparent, such a great dancer even though I am a (fill in the blank) -- and by the way, where is Pete, how is Pete, do i still work for Pete, my life is forever linked with Pete... and I was a really good minister even though I am a (fill in the blank) and the best preacher anyone ever heard, and the church shouldn't have done to me what it did because I am a (fill in the blank)... ... and the reception's penultimate dance was me on the dance floor with Amy, her cousin, her half sister, and a close friend, and me, singing and dancing to We Are Family, the ultimate dance was me crying while Mike and Amy danced to Harvest Moon again, and then I was prevailed upon to travel to the local bar and continue the wedding celebration - why not, and what does it say about me in small town life when I walk into the bar at midnight, the dj sees me, and instantly plays Eminem's "Without Me" for me - I guess we all know an awful lot about each other in this little town - danced on the floor for a while with who knows who, don't know if anyone was dancing with anyone, we were all just dancing together - some guy, kind of a young Kevin Spacey look a like, one of the groom's men whom I did not know, kind of made a point of dancing by me and looked at me a few times - curiosity or interest I do not know, and since he said nothing, I didn't, I had no intention of saying the wrong thing to some guy, so I went into the booth to thank the dj for the Eminem, and he asked if I wanted Linkin Park (the dj knows me well - this is a small town) and I went out on the floor and decided to do Linkin Park's "In the End" on stage with several members of Amy's family and it was a stunning rendition of the song - We rapped and sang the words like we *were* Linkin Park and got some salutes because, frankly, some of the kids didn't think someone of my advanced years would know not only all the words to the song but the appropriate dance steps and arm movements. And then I stayed on stage and we did several other songs (knowing rap paid off) and then one of Amy's cousins says, "Why do you have to be a (fill in the blank), why can't you be straight, I want you for my step father." Why can't I be. Why am I what I am. Why can't I be what people want. Why is there always something there to remind me (sing it, Rita Pavone...) Everything that changed in my life when I got in touch too late with my honest self and realized I am a (fill in the blank). I try to live my life with as little reference as possible to being a (fill in the blank) and I get no relief - it wears on the soul. It wears on the spirit. It wears on my emotions. I live without Pete, the person I love because the things that we could fix between us, he won't take part in fixing, because of his personal pathology that has him doing something else while he loves me - he loves me, he just wants to do other things and "live without love" because he crumbles under the pressure of being a responsible partner so while I may be a (fill in the blank), I actually do nothing that a (fill in the blank) does, I guess I am a (fill in the blank) in actuality but not in action, and certainly, with love, and I might as well have a fucking scarlet letter branded on my forehead that says no mater what I do, no matter how much time goes by, no matter how I live, I cannot escape even for a few hours and just dwell in happiness for those who I love - what is the point of this? now that I have seen Gage's mother get married, now I know that my grandson, both my grandsons, have a daddy whom they love, who loves them, everything is in good hands. Gage's mother got married. The emotions I feel are so complex. Where do I go from here. Like Robert Redford's character in The Candidate, "what do I next?" Especially when I know there is nothing else I want that will ever come way, so there is nothing else ... in the end... the dj played that song for me for a reason - I sang it on stage (on stage! me!) for a reason... It starts with one thing (One thing) I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know (All I know) Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal (It's so unreal) Didn't look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on, but didn't even know Wasted it all just to watch you go (Watch you go) I kept everything inside and even though I tried It all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually Be a memory of a time when (I tried so hard) I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter One thing, I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme, to remind myself how I tried so hard (I tried so hard) In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I'm surprised it got so far (It got so far) Things aren't the way they were before You wouldn't even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me In the end (In the end) You kept everything inside and even though I tried It all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually Be a memory of a time when I (tried so hard) I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go For all this There's only one thing you should know I've put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go For all this There's only one thing you should know I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter
