Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
Saving Billy
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One
day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the
voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the
call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the
cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White
House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool,
then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a
few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my
life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as
long as it is within my power as President!"
The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have
always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an
appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this
afternoon!"
Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to
Annapolis. Can you get me in?"
"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this
afternoon, too."
After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to
know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said,
"Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such
things?"
"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home
and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
------
BURGER KING INTRODUCES LEFT-HANDED WHOPPER®
More than 32 Million Americans Could Benefit
April 22, 1998 (AP) -- Burger King Corporation today announced the
launch of the new Left-Handed WHOPPER®, which will become available
nationwide tomorrow. America's most preferred premium hamburger will
feature the trademark build of lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles,
mayonnaise, ketchup and 4-ounce flame broiled hamburger patty, but the
newly designed sandwich has been re-engineered to fit more comfortably
in the left hand, thereby reducing condiment "spills" for left-handed
hamburger lovers. It is estimated that more than 1.4 million left-handed
customers visit U.S. Burger King® restaurants each day.
The new left-handed sandwich will have all condiments rotated 180
degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the
bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the
amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of
the burger. The exact method of rotation is a closely held proprietary
secret, and Burger King officials would not allowed it to be viewed by
members of the press.
"We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to
order our flagship WHOPPER® sandwich. Now we are offering 1,025 ways.
It's the ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY'® for our left-handed customers,"
said Jim Watkins, senior vice president for marketing for Burger King
Corporation.
It is estimated that approximately 13 percent of the U.S. population (or
32.5 million people) is left-handed, making this consumer group one of
the largest--and one of the most over-looked--minority segments in the
country.
The new left handed WHOPPER® will be launched in a full-page ad in USA
TODAY on Thursday. Initially, the Left-Handed WHOPPER® will only be
available in the U.S., however, the company is considering plans to roll
it out to other countries with large left-handed populations.
Industry analyst, Myron Katz, expressed doubt about Burger King's latest
offering. "The new left-handed WHOPPER® will probably be a dismal
failure
like last year's left-handed straws."
Jim Watkins countered his claim by explaining that "the left-handed
straw
campaign failed because it was 'too successful.' It's a well know fact
that lefties tend to hoard left-handed items. When word got out on the
streets, we were literally swamped with lefties at all of our locations.
It was impossible to re-tool the straw factories quickly enough to meet
the demand for left-handed straws, so we cancelled the campaign and used
the resources to fund this year's Mr. Potato Head® promotion."
Burger King Corporation and its franchisees operate more than 9500
restaurants in all 50 states and in 56 countries and international
territories around the world. In fiscal year 1997, Burger King had
systemwide sales of $9.8 billion. Burger King Corporation is a
subsidiary of Diageo plc, one of the world's largest branded consumer
products businesses.
-----------
"An Anomaly?"
A woman comes to a doctor and says,
"Doctor, I need your help."
"What seems to be the problem?" inquires the physician.
"Well," says the woman, blushing ever so slightly, "You
see... My husband does not satisfy me sexually. He tries
and he tries, but he is just not enough for me. What can I do?"
"Hmmmm," said the good doctor, "That's a bit out of my
league. Has *he* seen the doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly Ok. He just can't provide me
with what I need. You've got to help me!"
"Er... Why don't you take a lover?" suggests the doctor.
"But I have!" replies the woman, "I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did."
"Well, take another one!" says the exasperated Doc.
"I did!" exclaims the woman, "As a matter of fact, I have a
husband and eight lovers. And I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep
telling me I'm a whore!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Viagra, Anyone?"
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and
stuttering, finally manages to say,
"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you
help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces
a proud physician, "They just came out with this new
wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some
pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him
on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient
on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to
thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician,
"What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
-------
Santasam
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major
crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder,
kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs
him by the arm. "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't
there anyone too low for you to defend?"
"I don't know, " Ernie says, "What have you done?"
----
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting around
trying to figure out what sex their babies will be. The redhead says,
"I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that, you'll
have a girl." The brunette said, "I always have sex on top, so I must
be going to have a boy."
The blonde pondered this a minute then began sobbing. "Oh no! I'm
going to have puppies!"
---------
DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"
AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to
live in free societies.
CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first
arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless
you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any
more of it.
FITNESS Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET A food fetishist.
HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell
themselves for even less.
IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds
fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. JEANS
Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being
the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC A thief with breeding.
LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of
science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give
their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting
largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing
to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is
armed with a semi-automatic.
NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door.
ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because
their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of
others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from;
e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an
insurance salesman.
REDNECK Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when
addressing one in person.
SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill
toward a fellow human.
TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast
American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and
tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.
UNWED MOTHER One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father,
without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.
VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a
curtain, as long as they do it alone.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS The most convincing argument against the theory of
white racial superiority.
X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and
create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of
virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a
disinclination to ask for directions when lost.
ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for
depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their
natural habitats.
------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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