Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The
fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so
someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though
there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was
made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They
drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started
spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the
fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work
and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the
volunteer
fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna
do is
get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a
drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his
horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the
air, catches it above his head without even looking and
fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he
yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun
back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back
in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was
back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,
"Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks
them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink
that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if
you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do
you have?"
"I have................. only fifty cents!"
-----------
There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law
firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come
from good families. Both are equally attractive and well
spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he
takes ech aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In
seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. “I don’t understand why I was
rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a
lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d
lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to
do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”
“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.
“Your hands? What do you mean?”
“Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in
either of them!”
-----
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I
will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Morgan
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more
free cheese.
-------
True Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!
-----
PITY THE POPE
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down
next
to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright
red
lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his
pocket. He
opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he
asked
the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,
too
much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and
apologized. "I'm
sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had
arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has
it".
-----
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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