Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
-= Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention
From The Scandal =-
10. Make guest appearance on "Ellen" as "Ricky-the Gay Gabana Boy."
9. Have name of country officially changed to "Spiceworld."
8. Call himself "El Presidente" and ride around the White House
on a Donkey.
7. Star in new movie about misunderstood genius, "Good Bill
Clinting."
6. Begin State of Union address by announcing, "I am so baked right
now, dude!"
5. Appear on CBS special, "Presidential Interns Do the Darndest
Things."
4. Release rap album under name "Puff Puffy."
3. During press conference, use fly rod to yank off Sam Donaldson's
toupee.
2. Appear on "Jerry Springer" and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr.
1. Start harassing himself.
------
Quotes on Recent Events
"The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has
promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky
gets a hair cut or something." - Conan O'Brien
"The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown
wrapper." - Jay Leno
"Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal.
Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the
pope's visit to Cuba." - Cutler Daily Scoop
"A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al
Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does
and doesn't move." - Conan O'Brien
"While he was campaigning for office, Clinton told young people they
should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait
for. Him." - Jay Leno
"Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms
what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating
high paying jobs for young people." - Jay Leno
"You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are
underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only
have to take a bullet for the president." - Jay Leno
"Conspiracy buffs claim that the celebrity skiing accidents are
actually a conspiracy... the trees were planted." - Humor Newsgroup
"A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito
instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat
caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor's visits. In its
defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd
gotten the bean burrito." - Unknown Source
-------
Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when they see a
dirt
road that was big enough for only one vehicle. They debated a while
whether or not to explore what was down there. In the end, they
decided to
go for it.
After driving down the road for a while, they saw a blonde standing on
the
side of the road. She asked for a ride, and they agreed, so she hopped
in
the back of truck.
They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a
semi-truck was
coming right towards them. They swerved off the road and ended up in a
river.
The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see the blonde. They
started
to think the worst and feared she died. A few minutes later, she
suddenly
appeared and they incredulously asked her what happened.
She said, "I couldn't get the tailgate open."
------
WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU
In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a
nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are
called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has
window offices.
So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige --
and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data
processing shop.
A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six
of these positions . . . usually all at the same time.
10. Programmer:
This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no
one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's
time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time
cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending
classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop.
The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability.
Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to
Systems Analyst.
9. Systems Analyst:
The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new
systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures
and work flows for new systems but ends up training users
on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team
Leader position.
8. Team Leader:
A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not
called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume.
7. Project Leader:
Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the
Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders'
projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has
absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about.
Wants to be a programmer again.
6. Operator:
The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream
about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg
for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an
uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing
industry. Going to law school at night.
5. Systems Programmer:
Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A
Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs
without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make
new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again,
especially during month-end processing.
4. DBA:
No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one
is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every
shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them.
3. Manager:
The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant
Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost
touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next
year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to
learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has
time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs.
2. Department Secretary:
The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have
electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging.
This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to
manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee
needs: paychecks, rumors and supplies. Can make copier
self-destruct just by going to lunch.
1. Contract Programmer:
A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to
meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to himself.
He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits. He
doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect.
But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will
finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able
to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate
managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid
overtime for every one of them.
-------
ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all
your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the
teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this
door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use
side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful
bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be
drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here
for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't
know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard
on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order.
Please use floor below.
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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