Just how stupid do I look? “Enter your PIN”, grunts the uniformed Neanderthal who has just manhandled my job lot of Filets de Cheval through the checkout at the local branch of “a major supermarket”. Really? And there was me thinking I had to get my cock out and rub it on your funny little machine to make it work…we’ve only had chip and PIN in this country for the last fucking decade, you grotty little serving twerp. Not everyone who passes through the doors of your establishment would lose a battle of wits with the contents of the shelves, or is rendered so feeble and incontinent by dementia that the aisle needs to be mopped after they’ve walked down it.
At least, that’s what I should have said. But being British and relatively well-brought-up, I simply paid up and pissed off. There would also have been no point in the above diatribe, because most of the words in it would have been far too long to have registered much more than the merest electro-chemical blip in the junk-food-and-alcopop-stunted frontal lobes of the recipient. Take a look around you the next time you’re queueing at a checkout and you’ll realize that Planet of the Apes was in fact a groundbreaking and prophetic documentary. It’s enough to inspire a degree of sympathy with the 83-year-old Birmingham woman banned for life from her local Tesco for allegedly “bullying” the staff when they neglected to serve her at the deli counter with what she considered the requisite degree of responsiveness. She was only after two slices of ham. Unfortunately, whether or not she is actually guilty of ramming staff with her trolley as alleged, she instantly loses all credibility with her counter-argument to the accusation: “I watch Songs of Praise every week for goodness sake, I hardly go around attacking people”. No, love, not personally perhaps. But on the other hand, you do adhere to a belief system based on fantasy, bigotry and a complete disregard for the established facts of physical science that has over the centuries accounted for untold millions of war dead, embraced torture as a means of determining guilt or innocence, repressed just about every minority you can think of and worst of all still persists to this day as a legitimate component part of our state and government. But I digress. Poking fun at religious fantasists is too easy. At least the lady in question could have been reasonably sure that what she would have got at the deli counter, had she not attempted to emasculate the serving ape with a trolley, originated from a pig, because you can generally see what it is they are flogging you. The issue of the moment as far as supermarkets are concerned appears to be that anything less immediately recognisable, i.e. anything packaged, can no longer be guaranteed to contain precisely what is described on the outside. This is a scandal of titanic proportions, so we are told. Well, what a load of patronising, middle-England Daily Mail-reading bollocks. The British public will quite happily gobble down all manner of rancid, stomach-turning shit, by choice, without batting an eyelid. Why? Because most of the great unwashed know no better, and have grown up on…well…Coke, gristle and chips, basically. How are we topping the international leaderboard in obesity if we are all so fucking particular about what we eat? Does the pallid, acne-ridden job-avoider queueing at the kebab van give an ounce of thought to the contents of that greasy pensioner’s leg revolving so temptingly on the spit? Of course not. No, claiming that this is all a crusade to defend the public’s health is disingenuous at best. The whole thing smells worse than the festering contents of a fatty’s unwashed rolls of flab. Somebody, somewhere wants to stick it to the retail food giants and the meat trade. More than likely, some group of disaffected left-wing vegetarian fairies lurking on the back benches with nothing better to do now that it’s not their turn to fuck the country. The only people who give a toss are the pointless media twats who exist only to perpetuate crises and the politicians who instantly pop their heads up like coked-up pinstripe meerkats the minute there is a whiff of potential airtime. In any case, I can absolutely guarantee you that for well over 90% of the kebab-and-pot-noodle-consuming general population, horse meat would represent a radically beneficial shift in their overall dietary health. So bring it on. Quite apart from anything else, more horse on the menu means fewer fat-arsed equestrian toffee-noses self-righteously blocking up the roads round my way…I just saw Labour's latest political broadcast on immigration and "one nation Labour" and I'm heading form the vomitorium _______________________________________________ Leedslist mailing list Info and options: http://mailman.greennet.org.uk/mailman/listinfo/leedslist To unsubscribe, email leedslist-unsubscr...@gn.apc.org MARCHING ON TOGETHER
