http://www.ggl.com/kunochan/2006/08/best-and-worst-sci-fi-tv-show-openings.html
Thursday, August 03, 2006
The Best and Worst Sci-Fi TV Show Openings
I suffer from insomnia, and you benefit. Here are my picks for 10 Best and
10 Worst Opening Credits for Genre TV Shows.
By "genre," I mean science fiction, fantasy, and horror. I only included
shows made in English. I also decided to limit myself to those credits
sequences I could find online - but this turned out not to be a problem.
Hooray for youtube! Hooray for copyright violations!
I was worried that I would subconsciously rate the title sequences not on
their own merit, but based on the quality of the show overall. But I ended
up with one of the worst shows of all time on the "Best" list, and one of
the best on the "Worst" list. And they both have the same title!
Numerical order is approximate.
The 10 Best
10. "Battlestar Galactica" (1979)
One of the most common mistakes made by sci-fi TV openings is the
"expository monologue," with which jittery television executives try to
explain the show's premise to viewers who don't "get" sci-fi. As I
researched this list, I learned how ubiquitous this problem is. Blah blah
blah.
The original BSG features a long, long, loooong expository monologue. Yeah
yeah, Toltecs and Mayans, got it. But the monologue is well written, and
it's read with tremendous gravity by the brilliant Patrick Macnee, who
also voiced the Imperious Leader. The theme song kicks ass. And most
importantly, the edited scenes (viewed through a circle - why?) really
make the show look impressive. Too bad it sucked ass.
9. "The Greatest American Hero" (1981-83)
It's all about the theme song, baby. Mike Post's theme song is goofy,
poppy, cheesy, and almost but not entirely unrelated to the content of the
show. And once you hear it, you will NEVER get it out of your head. This
credits sequence is fun, funny, and engaging, and it has no expository
monologue whatsoever. That UFO, left over from one of Steven Spielberg's
garage sales, is also very cool.
8. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988-1999)
"Robot roll call!" We're only concerned with the first two credit
sequences here, the original Joel Hogdson credits and the first Mike
Nelson opening. After Frank Conniff left, the show jumped the shark; and
once it moved to the Sci Fi Channel, well, it's just best not to think
about it. Catchy song, goofy models and puppets, and the iconic "corridor
crawl" a la "Get Smart." And the theme song doubled as the expository
monologue, which was a real time saver.
7. "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (1987-1994)
What do you get when you cross the theme from "Star Trek The Motionless
Picture" with the Shakespearean monologing skills of Patrick Stewart and a
clever tribute the opening of the original "Star Trek?" Um, this opening,
duh. By the way, the original "Star Trek" opening was pretty weak
("whoosh! whoosh!), although nowhere near bad enough to make the "worst"
list. As far as I can tell, "Space
the final frontier
" invented the
expository monologue.
6. "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" (1993-1999)
There was nothing special about the DS9 opening until season four, about
the time the show started to not completely suck. The morose theme song
got a boost from a bouncy backing track, and the CG guys added a bunch of
business involving spaceships, little space-suited construction workers,
and the Defiant flying into the wormhole. Suddenly, Deep Space 9 became a
place you might conceivably care about. Then, in season seven, they
screwed the whole thing up. This award goes to seasons 4-6 only. (Special
props to DS9 for dropping the "Final Frontier" speech.)
5. "Star Trek: Voyager" (1995-2001)
Finally, the "Star Trek" credits sequence perfected. Great theme,
excellent effects. Of course, in 9 out of 10 episodes, once the opening
credits ended it was all downhill from there.
4. "Doctor Who" (1963-89, 1996, 2005-present)
First let's discuss that theme song. When some hack isn't ruining it by
trying to "update" it, Ron Grainer's "Doctor Who" theme is spacey,
dramatic and memorable. Most of the "Doctor Who" credits sequences have
been mediocre or terrible (see this - Jesus Christ, did that Zardozian
giant floating head just wink at me? Exterminate! Exterminate!), but two
really stand out. Coincidentally, they're the openings for the two best
Doctors to date. Tom Baker's (1974-81) was modeled after previous
openings, and included the dreaded "head shot." But the music was great,
the effects were cool, and you got to see the TARDIS fly around. In
Christopher Eccleston's credits (2005), the music was great, the effects
were cool, and you got to see the TARDIS fly around. And no headshot!
Plus, "Doctor Who" has never burdened us with an expository monologue. Can
you imagine trying to explain "Doctor Who" in 30 seconds?
3. "The Six Million Dollar Man" (1974-78)
The awkwardly-titled series that made Lee Majors a star had opening
credits as heart-pounding and dramatic as anything on TV. Steve Austin's
whole origins story was presented in under a minute - and they didn't tell
us, they showed us. Sure, Richard Anderson (no relation to Dean) talks
through the credits, but he's in the story, trying to convince his unnamed
listener that blowing $6,000,000 in 1970s dollars to turn a crippled
astronaut, and the astronaut's girlfriend and dog, into cybernetic freaks
isn't a violation of the public trust. This opening is artistic and
beautifully edited; and the cheesy theme song doesn't cut in until the
last 15 seconds.
2. "Space: 1999" (1975-77)
This is a really interesting case. Some openings, like "The X-Files" or
"Farscape," were good, but not good enough to make it onto the "Best"
list. (To answer your question - "The X-Files" had a great theme, but the
visuals were dorky as hell. Oh look - Mulder is falling into an eye!
Spooky!) Some were bad, but not terrible enough to make the "Worst" list
(see "Lost In Space"). Only "Space: 1999" almost made it onto both lists.
The great: brilliant music, heart-pounding action, real drama, and no
expository monologue. The terrible: it's overwrought to the point of
silliness - "SEPT 13!!!! 1999!!!!" In the end, the good beats out the bad.
BTW, we are ignoring the hideous second season opening, just as we ingore
the hideous second season.
(For more Gerry Anderson goodness, check out "Thunderbirds," which just
barely missed the Best list.)
1. "Firefly" (2002)
Wow. Just
wow. I'm not going to ruin it with words. If you don't get it,
nothing I say can help. Burn the land and boil the sea - you can't take
the sky from me.
(And Gina Torres gets to be the only actor on both the Best and Worst
lists, unless you count Richard Hatch.)
-----------
The 10 Worst
10. "Land of Lost" (1974-77)
No, this isn't on the "worst" list for the silly "special effects," or for
the dialogue during the giant dinosaur puppet attack. ("C'mon, let's get
out of here!" ORLY? You're not going to stick around and become
Tyrannosaurus food?) No, it's the song. The lyrics are okay, explaining
what plot the show had to impressionable Gen X kids. But the music?
Yee-haw! I reckon' it's a hoe down! Grab a jug of moonshine, Cletus, and
we's gonna go bugger us some Sleestaks!
(Oh, and if you never understood why Will Ferrell's character in "Jay and
Silent Bob Strike Back" was named Marshall Willenholly - now you do.)
9. "Manimal" (1983
Once I had this weird dream. I turned into that pretty British man from
"Falcon Crest." Everything was strange colors, and I was attacked by a
bird and a cougar. It was so dramatic! Then suddenly I was in a wacky
romantic comedy with that nurse from "St. Elsewhere!" Wha-? What happened
to the bird/cat guy? Why am I standing around with my bi-racial posse,
cracking wise and sharing a hearty laugh? Wasn't there something about
vertebrate polymorphism? Now some wacky woman is stepping on my foot! HA!
A passing car just sprayed us with water! HA! Oh ho ho, my sides are
splitting! And then
then I fell asleep and had the dream. (Stay tuned
after the credits for an expository monologue so long I never made it all
the way through).
8. "The Bionic Woman" (1976-78)
Despite its flaws, "The Bionic Woman" was a much better show than its
progenitor, "The Six Million Dollar Man." For one thing, Lindsay Wagner is
STILL hot - I'll climb into her Sleep Number bed any time. Also, she never
ever befriended Bigfoot. But the opening sequence is just a lame attempt
to rehash the "Six Million" credits, and it fails utterly. There's too
much reading; and is that the only photo of Wagner the producers could
find? And why do the credits emphasize Jaimie Sommers' teaching career,
and Oscar's unrequited love for her? She's a freakin' superpowered
crime-fighting robot who works for a super-secret spy agency! Her opening
credits shouldn't look like a douche commercial.
7. "Xena: Warrior Princess" (1995-2001)
"Xena" and "Hercules" were good shows. Either you "got" it, or you didn't.
I wasn't a huge fan, but I got it. And no one expects a show this bi-polar
to have a brilliant credits sequence. Let's review the charges. (1)
Bagpipe music? Okay, this show could never quite decide where or when it
took place. But I'm pretty damn sure it's not in medieval Scotland. (2)
It's got a terrible expository monologue. Like we even need one - "it's a
chick in a steel bikini" would cover it. The monologue is read by that "In
a world
" movie preview guy. It goes on and on and on. We don't get facts
about the characters and plot, just the kind of vapid marketing-speak you
would expect in a movie trailer. "A mighty princess forged in the heat of
battle?" That's not even a real metaphor. Seriously, all we needed was
some generically exciting music and clips of two ancient Mediterranean
lesbians kicking ass.
6. "Charmed" (1998-2006
How dare you motherfuckers ruin The Smiths' "How Soon Is Now?" How DARE
you? I won't even start in on the cheap-ass visuals - ooh! Somebody took a
class in After Effects! No, I can't get past the music thing. I'm too
angry. I need to go calm down. How many lives will Shannen Doherty ruin
5. "Babylon 5" (1994-1998)
There are two kinds of sci-fi fans who just can't shut up about their
favorite show. Browncoats are pathetic because, while "Firefly" is one of
the best series ever made, there are only 14 episodes (and a movie). B5
fans are pathetic because, while they have 110 episodes comprising a
complete story arc, every single episode sucks.
Each season of B5 had a different opening, but each was as bad as the
last. Longest expository dialogue ever. Longest credits ever (must have
saved on episode costs, just like the cheap CG and the cheap "sets"). "The
name of the place
is Babylon 5!" Yaaaawn.
4. "V" (1984-85)
Marc "BeastMaster" Singer takes out a reptilian evil alien baddie - with
his genitals. And that's the best part of this cheese-ridden opening, an
80s-era Supercuts ad scored with the "space music" setting on a Casio.
(Anyone notice the weird overlap between the "V" opening and the "Firefly"
opening? Spooky.)
3. "Battlestar Galactica" (2003, 2004-present)
Possibly the Best Science Fiction Show Ever, and its here in the "Worst"
list. Why? Is it the music? No, the original American theme, Bear
McCreary's "Two Funerals," was just fine; the new theme from the British
version is even better. Is it the clips from the miniseries? No, they're
fine. The lame expository subtitles? (You know, "The Cylons were created
by man
" blah blah.) Nah, they're useless, but not really annoying. Maybe
there's not enough Grace Park? True, the titles need more Grace Park. But
that's not the problem. Then what's wrong? I'll tell you what the frack is
wrong. Each episode beings with 30 seconds of clips from the episode
itself. Brief images designed to tease? No. SPOILERS. There is not an
episode of BSG that has not had some big dramatic turn ruined by the
opening spoilers. Ron, buddy, listen - if I'm watching the opening
credits, I'm already watching the show. You don't have to sell me. BSG is
clever and fast-paced, full of unforeseeable twists and turns -
unforeseeable, that is, if you close your eyes during the opening titles.
Otherwise, you're screwed. The fans have been complaining about this for
two seasons, Ron. Cut it out. Oh, and we want more Grace Park. Maybe a
spin-off series where Boomer discovers a planet of sexy Amazons and opens
a lingerie store.
2. "Cleopatra 2525" (2000-2001)
Before this article went to press, I ran my choices past my friend Paul.
After hearing my "worst" choice, all he had to say was, what about
"Cleopatra 2525?" I have never watched the show; but I trust his opinion,
so I checked it out.
Oh. My. God.
That's "Firefly" star and Mrs. Laurence Fishburne, Gina Torres! What the
hell??? Is that her impersonating Geoffrey ("Crisp and clean! No
caffeine!") Holder in the expository monologue? And let's talk about this
song for a moment. Zager & Evans' 1969 "hit" "In the Year 2525" was
craptastic enough without this histrionic cover with the cutesy lyrics.
Yeah, take a crappy show with crappy effects and crappy costumes, and add
a crappy monologue and a crappy cover of a crappy song, and know what you
get? Crap. (By the way, for 60 seconds of fun, check out the opening to
"Cleopatra's" "sibling" show, "Jack of All Trades." We love you, Bruce
Campbell!)
1. "Enterprise" (2001-2005)
Worst sci-fi show of all time? Of course not - that was "Small Wonder. But
"Enterprise" was a close second. Tragically, the opening credits for this
show were visually brilliant - a nifty little history of humanity's
exploratory spirit. So why is this one of the worst openings of all time?
That song - OH GOD THAT SONG. Please, give me something sharp to dig
through my ocular cavity and into my brain, until all memory of it is
gone. (Although you have to admit, the "Mirror" opening is pretty cool.)
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