Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Monday, September 29, 2003
"Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait
too late." -- Bill Withers
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
Today is the day you will discover your larger
cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow
involved.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
You will mortally offend a friend today when a
hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad
description of his problems.
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
You will tell a total stranger that you're
"sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock
and horror.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is
indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to
figure out which.
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know
what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you?
"Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today,
where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit
the ground running.
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth
time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared -
something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob.
I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for
one thing..."
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why
not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good
for making a lasting impression.
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving
leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Soon you will get into accounting, "just for
the thrill of it."
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish
soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of
deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an
imbecile!
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes
indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
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