Dear Ankur,
I've been enjoying your antipoems. I think 5 below is the best, of
course. There seems to be a slight grammatical fault, or bend, or
whatchamacallit, in #4, "Any Language", but I think it's entirely
appropriate, since it helps the English to sound foreign.
May I make a few challenges?
--In 5, I'm not sure about the word "passes", since the only
association I have for the verb in this particular usage ("making
something else pass") has to do with passing urine, etc. There are
many other options to explore, since the verb needs to do important
work here. If you use the word, "threads" for instance, you would get
the echo of threading a needle. But the point is that there are many
options once you imagine what is happening as fully as you can and the
verb could be made to do more work.
--In antipoem Impact (#3?) the word "butterflies" feels a bit cliched
and sentimental and is not at all, for me, up to the impact of the
rest of the poem. I think you need something more interesting, or
even profound, if possible, there.
--In antipoem 3, notice the directness of "we're on this road" vs. the
distance of "playing snakes and ladders", which suggests the speaker
somewhat detached from the situation. You're no longer on the road,
but looking down on it from some smug distance. One option to bring
you closer (don't know if I like it myself, but it demonstrates my
point) would be to end, "we're either / snakes or ladders."
And of course, don't forget that "it's" = "it is", and "its" is the
possessive, as in "the snake shed its skin". This kind of little
thing will become terribly important if you're sending to editors,
especially editors abroad, because they hate that kind of carelessness
enough to even throw the poem away, and it is still often the case
that when they get a poem submission from India, they expect the worst
when it comes to the English.
Warmly,
vivek
On 12/13/05, ankur prahlad <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
>
> Imagination
>
> Imagination
> drapes the fragile
> things of the world
> with the cloth of immortality
> and passes them through
> the tunnel of time.
>
> 2 Oct 2005
>
> Ankur.
>
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