[ZESTPoets] I have revised.

[ankur prahlad]

Hi Vivek, I have revised the poems. You made me realize once again that without humility there can be no improvement.

 

Here are the revised versions:

 

The Impact of It

 

Looking

through

the reflections

at the

incomprehensible

It

makes us

realize

the reflection

that we

are

 

and we

fly about the

cities

 

larve

turned

to

butterflies.

 

Two Roads

 

Two roads

interlocked

and vertically

moving upwards

towards

the

sun

 

we're on this road.

 

Whether I'll rocket upwards

or slide incessantly

down,

is a secret hidden

in my DNA code.

 

Two new ones:

 

Difference

 

Man:

I have two coins

in my hand

 

Business Man:

The two coins in my

hand, have me.

 

An Improvement on 'The Shortest Poem in the World' :YOU

 

ME.

 

 

ankur prahlad <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:

Thanks for the suggestions Vivek.

 

Maybe 'passes' is not the approppriate word, but the idea behind writing of any antipoem is that it should sound as casual, as unconventional and as unpoetical as possible. That doesnt mean you can compromise on the precision of words, but if the idea or the thought behind the poem is revolutionary and anticonventional, at least to that extent you can do away with exactitude. An anti poem demands it, but I am not sure whether this last one's an antipoem.

 

Yeah I know butterflies is too tame a word for that poem. I ll see what I could do abt that. But the snakes and ladders part might sound distant if you choose to ignore the phrase 'feels like'. Its not a smug distancing which is implied but a 'how funny I am not at all sure' feeling which is evoked by that 'intellectualizing' comparision. Once again its an antipoem where a colloquial usage like 'feels like' is quite justifiable.

 

In poem 4 something like Do you know my strongest belief would deprive the line of all its strength as you have rightly recognized.

 

The last one's a printing mistake.

 

 

Vivek Narayanan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:

Dear Ankur,

I've been enjoying your antipoems.  I think 5 below is the best, of
course.  There seems to be a slight grammatical fault, or bend, or
whatchamacallit, in #4, "Any Language", but I think it's entirely
appropriate, since it helps the English to sound foreign.

May I make a few challenges?

--In 5, I'm not sure about the word "passes", since the only
association I have for the verb in this particular usage ("making
something else pass") has to do with passing urine, etc.  There are
many other options to explore, since the verb needs to do important
work here.  If you use the word, "threads" for instance, you would get
the echo of threading a needle.  But the point is that there are many
options once you imagine what is happening as fully as you can and the
verb could be made to do more work.

--In antipoem Impact (#3?) the word "butterflies" feels a bit cliched
and sentimental and is not at all, for me, up to the impact of the
rest of the poem.  I think you need something more interesting, or
even profound, if possible, there.

--In antipoem 3, notice the directness of "we're on this road" vs. the
distance of "playing snakes and ladders", which suggests the speaker
somewhat detached from the situation.  You're no longer on the road,
but looking down on it from some smug distance.  One option to bring
you closer (don't know if I like it myself, but it demonstrates my
point) would be to end, "we're either / snakes or ladders."

And of course, don't forget that "it's" = "it is", and "its" is the
possessive, as in "the snake shed its skin".  This kind of little
thing will become terribly important if you're sending to editors,
especially editors abroad, because they hate that kind of carelessness
enough to even throw the poem away, and it is still often the case
that when they get a poem submission from India, they expect the worst
when it comes to the English.

Warmly,
vivek

On 12/13/05, ankur prahlad <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
>
> Imagination
>
> Imagination
> drapes the fragile
> things of the world
> with the cloth of immortality
> and passes them through
> the tunnel of time.
>
> 2 Oct 2005
>
> Ankur.
>
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