Dear Wall Street,
Hi, this is the lobbyist for a group called The Taxpayers, Debtors,
and Insured People of the United States. Now that we've rejected the
first bailout plan, I'm sure that in the spirit of tough, free market
capitalism, and spirited negotiations, you'll consider our second
offer. Here are some terms that I'm SURE you will find reasonable:
1) We are willing to loan you money at a very low, introductory rate
of 8.9%. If you are even one nanosecond late on your payment, your
rate will go from 8.9% to 32.9% instantly. You will have no right to
appeal this. The interest rate increase will be retroactive. None of
this "but I mailed it out Friday" nonsense. We must get it, and the
check must clear, for your payment to count. A reminder: transactions
that occur after 2pm are not credited until the next business day, so
be sure to make your payments before then.
2) If you are late on any of your other payments to your other
creditors, your rate will also be spiked to 32.9%. I know it has
nothing to do with us, but if you are late paying someone else, then
OBVIOUSLY you are a bigger credit risk to us.
3) We will send you onerous terms and conditions 148,000,000 pages
long in 6 point font. Of course, those terms can change on a whim, at
any time, so we'll be sending you hourly updates to the contract,
which we expect you to read and keep up with. Sorry, we will be the
only ones that can amend the contract; you cannot.
4) You will have a predetermined credit line, and if you go over it
by even $1, your interest rate will spike to 54.9%. Sorry, it's in
the contract on page 109,209,392.
5) The bankruptcy laws have now changed. If you get into a bind, I'm
afraid you won't find much sympathy; no more silly excuses will be
accepted. We are going to have the titles to all of your buildings
and physical assets put in our name, so when the inevitable time
comes and you trip up, we'll simply take everything from you. There
will be no court hearing.
6) We'll be conducting a background check, driving records check,
drug test, and disease risk check of all of the top executives of
your firm. After all, you're a riskier loan if you have any of those
afflictions, aren't you? Well, if we find ANYTHING wrong, your
interest rate will skyrocket, instantly, and without notice.
7) If your business is located in a "bad neighborhood", or a "poor
city", or a "hurricane zone", or "flood plane", or "terrorist
targeted city", as defined by us, we can raise your interest rates at
any time, to any rate we choose.
For the last quarter century or so, you've imposed these terms, or
some variation of them on us, when loaning us money or insuring us...
arguing every single time that it's "necessary" and that these sorts
of changes "will result in more profitable companies that will pass
the savings along to consumers". Well, now that we're in the role of
lender, and you're in the role of borrower, we're sure that you'll
find these same terms fair.
Wall Street, prove the cynics wrong and accept our new plan. Prove to
everyone that you're not the hypocrites that everyone thinks you are.
Best regards,
THE TAXPAYERS, DEBTORS, AND INSURED PEOPLES OF THE USA
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AsburyPark/
<*> Your email settings:
Individual Email | Traditional
<*> To change settings online go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AsburyPark/join
(Yahoo! ID required)
<*> To change settings via email:
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
