Re: Monthly chat March 2016
Life is quite sucky at the moment. I'm currently (very unenthusiastically) working on a research paper that is due midnight; if I don't get it in I fail my psychology class, and I really could care less. I am so, so tired of being blind and that three quarters of what I do is just trying to make up for that. I signed up for a music 100 class next quarter and it's going to be pretty challenging because they use the visual staff and whiteboards and stuff, not to mention the route across campus to the building it's in is ridiculous. I doubt it's going to be an issue though as my state blind agency didn't get my tuition in in time and I don't care enough to talk to them about it, and also feel like shit for not being able to pay it on my own because of the shame that goes along with not having a job in this culture. I'm sick of the unending stream of bullshit that is constantly thrown my way and don't really see any point in dealing with it
anymore. I guess I may have finally sort of found a direction for my life with teaching because I hope I can maybe instill a passion for good music and literature into people in a school system that just wants worker drones, but haven't started studying for it yet and the accommodations that would have to be made if I were to eventually teach in a normal classroom would be ridiculous and not at all cost-effective. I've come to the conclusion that any contribution I might make to the world is going to be outweighed by all the adaptive things I require, plus none of it really matters anyway. I hate, hate hate being blind. Sometimes I just want to scream and break something when I get lost somewhere for the umpteenth time, but what good would that do? I am, at least according to society, an adult now, and do my best to act like one. People tell me I just need to try new things or put myself out there more, (these are well-liked, happy people with good support networks) but I
have and it hasn't worked. All I want is the ability to be a little spontaneous and go for a run or relaxing walk without having to carry around a cane and be thinking about landmarks and sidewalks and shit. I can't really leave the house when I want to because I still don't know any routes around here. Fuck this noise. I live with my mom and brother who usually has his douche of a friend over here. They are so loud it's unbelievable. We went out to eat the other day and by the time we got back home I had almost completely lost my temper and could've started breaking stuff. This kid just got arrested the other week and still it's like everyone loves him. My sister, who is two months older than me and not in the least fit to be a parent, had herself a kid a few months ago (I suspect mainly for the attention) is now staying at home and gets praise wherever she goes because baaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeeeee! Meanwhile I'm not been able to make a single new con
nection in college and am bored senseless with it. I don't really have many likeminded people to talk with except for a friend on Skype; my beliefs have become increasingly nihilistic and whenever I talk to anyone about it they usually attribute it to my being "depressed", even though it really makes sense to me. Almost everyone around here is religious, which I personally find irrational, and it makes me sad. I feel I pretty much understand religion; it's basically a psychological coping mechanism people use for comfort, that or an ego boost which can come with believing you have a deity on your side who will eventually make things work out and designed everything in life to happen for a reason. I don't mean to offend anyone, it's just how I feel. I'm sick of not being taken seriously, tired of feeling useless, and just generally feel like shit. For whatever reason I'm also almost constantly tired now which doesn't help my reputation. I
really don't think I'll be sticking around much longer if you catch my drift. Not to mention my hearing loss which stresses me out too. I was talking to someone about it a few months ago and they told me I should (paraphrasing) stop being so negative about it...after all they work with older mentally ill people in a spam facility and a lot of them have hearing loss, and they're doing greeeeeeeeeeat! Bitch please, I'm not even 20.
Anyway I'm really sorry for even more negativity. This is a pretty nice community and I wish you all well, whatever that's worth. Wonder if I'll manage to complete this paper and not fail out of college...guess I'll know in a few hours.
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