Re: Beyond the Bullet (for those who want to play)
I'm even now still suffering with depression a few years later, but I never got quite as many suicidal thoughts as you seem to have, even during the absolute worst part, which was anywhere from 3 months to 9 months, it seemed both timeless and insubstantial at the same time, so I can't really say.
But if, for what ever reason, you don't have the option of forcing your self to stop game development and disengaging from social media for a while to instead focus on the real world and let your family help you; then you seriously need to look outside of your home for help instead.
Talking never really helped me much, but I did get some antidepressants from a psychiatrist that lifted that vale of unreality and warped self image, let my thoughts organize them selves, and allowed me to do the rest mostly on my own.
That's why people say they aren't magic pills and that you need to put in the effort, but of course telling someone with absolute
ly no motivation what so ever that is just going to make them hate the entire idea; which is why it's useful to understand what they actually do.
That isn't the only way to help your self, of course, but there is no real way for you to internally fix such a large chemical imbalance without help, so it's certainly worth a try, even just for the hell of it, because why not, right?
Otherwise you are going to die knowing that a bunch of essentially faceless, virtual, unimportant people drove you to it, which is some seriously pointless bullshit to die for.
I only know you a little bit Colton, but I can promise you this one hundred percent.
If someone writes a post about how you've died next month, that you won't ever be here again, that everything you'd ever done, good and bad was now only in our memories and that no one could help you in time to stop you from making the worst decision you possibly could...
Well I would be sa
d and angry as fuck, and I can tell you for a fact that it wouldn't just be me, either, because no normal person would not feel that way, and we would all miss you.
Remember how people reacted when Jim and Thomas died? It's like there was a hole where they used to be in the fabric that holds this community together, and it felt, wrong, like something important had been lost. And neither of those guys were perfect by any standard, so you clearly don't have to be a "god" to matter to people man, you just have to live long enough to be a decent person, even if it's just to your neighbors and you never do anything to directly change the world.
That simple thing is what we, as humans, constantly strive to do, but if you end your life short, you won't ever get that chance, which would be a true waste.
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