I think the problem, Liz, is with the hyberbole and assumptions in your
response. No one is saying there are "no challenges or obstacles," but
many of us weathered the experience, and frankly, our recollections are
based on that experience, not some rose-colored memory of idyllic
parenthood. Obviously I did not go through the hormonal changes that
you or my wife did, but I well understand sleep deprivation -- I was
getting 2-3 hours a day when my wife went back to work, and I had more
mornings than I'd like swerving to avoid sleep-deprived hallucinations
as I drove home after work. It was hard, not an experience I care to
relive.
Simone is the best judge of whether she wants to go into the field with
her child, and whether she should go into the field with her child.
Comments such as yours carry the underlying assumption that she is being
coerced to go into the field, and I don't think that's particularly
useful or even appropriate. A parent can just as rationally choose to
quickly get back to doing work they love as they can choose to stay home
longer with the child.
Dave
On 4/10/2012 10:34 PM, Liz Pryde wrote:
I am really quite frustrated by this whole conversation. Having been a
first-time mum to a 3 month old just over a year ago I am amazed at the
lack of reality reflected in a lot of this 'advice'. I'm not too sure what
happens to the memory of those of you who are claiming that from almost
birth you and your children were traipsing around the world doing hard-core
research with no challenges or obstacles.
On average (and actually most mums experience this a little later) 12 weeks
is the time when the mother and baby are finally in-sync with
breastfeeding. This is accompanied by yet another fluctuation in hormones,
which can change the mood of the mother quite significantly, cause
metabolic shifts and a host of other physical effects. At this time, for
myself and a whole host of mums I know, most babies are feeding every 2-4
hrs (some more frequently). Feeds/changes/burping/cuddling takes about an
hour (or more), then you play with the baby, settle the baby to sleep, then
you get about 30 mins - 1 hr 30 mins (if you're lucky!) to do your own
stuff. This regime goes on for 24 HOURS. So most mums are getting about
2-3hr sleeps at a time, and many are getting a lot less. *I'm really not
sure how on Earth anyone is supposed to be effective in the field with
these demands on their time, emotions and body. *And I'm really surprised
and angered that anyone would expect them to be.
So, for those of you who are talking about how 'rational' a young mum is
when asking about hiking in wet conditions with an infant, you are making a
dubious judgement call.
Sleep deprivation is a hell of a tough ride. Decision making occurs under
the influence of fluctuating hormones (which CANNOT be underestimated),
feelings of guilt, pressure from others who are not in your situation, and
expectations of yourself, coupled with coming to terms with the fact that
your life has changed forever (e.g. it was 6 months before I could take a
proper shower!).
To me, recounting stories of how you're taking infants in to the field and
'get your work done' (congratulations!), while using cloth nappies, living
like nomads, saving the world and creating 'special' children, is just
perpetuating the unrealistic notion that mothers are supposed to take
motherhood in their stride and continue to live their life as if the child
never entered it. In fact, children, and babies especially, change your
life and your priorities forever. You are no longer the centre of your
life. This is challenging. It is also awesome! But it actually does take
quite some time for you to be OK with the change. Where are your stories of
things going wrong, of days spent in tears because you couldn't get done
what you wanted to get done, or how scared you were when the kids got sick
an you had no idea what was wrong or what to do?
One of the other key problems I have with the discourse is the idea that
'our ancestors' and 'nomadic people' (our noble savages), somehow raise
their kids in a natural utopia - the women just give birth under a tree and
carry on harvesting their nuts and berries and tubers sustainably and
breastfeed while they walk. Have any of you ever witnessed this in person?
I have worked in remote areas of Papua New Guinea since 2004 and have
witnessed babies dying from malaria, severe malnutrition in babies and
mothers (which is criminal to see) and very high levels of infant and
maternal mortality rates. Theirs is an incredibly challenging life. Most of
these women would give anything to be able to have a rest, to not have to
work in their gardens to provide for their families, and to have the luxury
of hospital care. I know this because we have discussed it at length. And
for those of you who say that a child needs to be with their mother to the
extent that they must be taken out in the field, in these countries there
is extensive familial 'child care' which is not frowned upon, and which
acknowledges that there are some activities that need to be done solo when
possible.
I'm not saying that there can never be a balance, that children shouldn't
be exposed to challenging and extreme situations. But having been there
very recently, I do think that 3 months is too young - both for mum and
baby. I think expectations of mothers to take infants into the field (or to
work) at such an age is symptomatic of a lack of reality surrounding the
importance of our work vs that of family and friends. Is our work really so
important that we can't make the space to look after an infant according to
its own needs? I do recognise that work is often tied up with identity and
in many cases financial needs but in those cases I think that employer
support and understanding are even more important. Part time hours,
maternity leave and greater flexibility at work (and expectations of
employers) all need to be prioritised. We are the only ones who will change
the status quo - so why don't we? Why fall into the old-school trap of
all-in or all-out? There are many studies showing that productivity
decreases when people work longer hours. So why do we insist that shorter
working days are a problem?
For a bit of spice on this topic (and on mother guilt driving
decision-making) have a look at the research of the esteemed French
philosopher Elisabeth Badinter:
http://scholar.google.com.au/scholar?lr=lang_en&q=elisabeth+badinter&hl=en&as_sdt=0,5
All the best to all the new mums and dads out there!
--
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David M. Lawrence | Home: (804) 559-9786
7471 Brook Way Court | Fax: (804) 559-9787
Mechanicsville, VA 23111 | Email: d...@fuzzo.com
USA | http: http://fuzzo.com
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"All drains lead to the ocean." -- Gill, Finding Nemo
"We have met the enemy and he is us." -- Pogo
"No trespassing
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